12/31

1. In Naples, Italy, hundreds of women have joined a protest against illegal fireworks by refusing to have sex with their men. Now, what makes me think some women are doing this for reasons other than illegal fireworks? “I don’t have to sleep with my disgusting husband? Sign me up.” If they didn’t have to sleep with their husbands, some women would join a protest against chocolate.

2. Well, it’s New Year’s Eve, which means thousands of people will be gathering in Times Square to watch the stock market drop.

3. In India, a long proud tradition of extravagant facial hair is dying out, even among the women

4. The Bush Administration has recently been trying to negotiate peace between Israel and Palestine. You know, this reminds me of a kid trying to make up for bad grades with extra credit. I’m sure Bush had a lot of experience with that. “Hey, what if I do something in Kazakhstan? Will I get better polls then?”

5. Scientists have now flown a passenger airplane partially with fuel made from vegetable oil. Now, if they could just get them to fly on honey-roasted peanuts.

BEST OF THE WEEK

President Bush has now made it easier for insurance companies to not pay for medical procedures for ethical reasons. I was shocked -- insurance companies have ethics? Maybe this is to balance all the procedures they deny for unethical reasons. “You know, we are just morally opposed to heart surgery.”

So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.

An Iraqi cameraman threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a dog. Now, I don’t know how Iraqis treat their politicians, but I know I don’t want to be a dog there. That’s not a nice way to treat a dog. Luckily, Bush was able to duck out of the way, showing his skill at dodging anything thrown at him by reporters.

The brother of the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush said it was spontaneous, and not pre-planned. Really? He was going to ask: “Um, Mr. Bush, what are your thoughts on Kirkuk?” But instead, he went: “Um, ah, arrrgghhh! This is the farewell kiss, you dog!” Sometimes I feel Chris Matthews is about to do that. However, a co-worker of the shoe guy said that he’d been thinking of doing “something” for a year. And this is the best he came up with after a year? It’s much better than throwing bombs, but not quite roses, so the Bush administration is calling it a tie.

There is apparently still advertising available during the Super Bowl. And it’s only $3 million for 30 seconds! I know, rush to your phones! Some of the ads are being bought by the Detroit Lions, because that’s as close as they’re getting to the Super Bowl.

Burger King is going to market a men’s fragrance with the smell of meat for only $3.99. For less than that, can’t you just stuff a Whopper in your pants?

The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?

In South Florida, someone tried to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman, and he defended himself by throwing the pizza at the guy. Now, what does he know about these pizzas that we don’t? I knew they were unhealthy, but I didn’t know they were lethal. Are the pizzas made in China?

Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.

Good news for some California state employees -- Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news -- it’s whether they want it or not.

Today’s headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.

This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.

A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.

12/20

1. President Bush has now made it easier for insurance companies to not pay for medical procedures for ethical reasons. I was shocked -- insurance companies have ethics? Maybe this is to balance all the procedures they deny for unethical reasons. “You know, we are just morally opposed to heart surgery.”

2. General Motors and Chrysler are now going to get a $4 billion bailout from Canada. What, are they like panhandlers now? “Hey, Mexico, can you spare some change? We need to make a phone call. And greener cars.” Which is about as believable as the phone call part. They’ve hired a new consultant. Can we get a shot of him? [Show picture of panhandler on the street.] He’s going to advise them on proper sign wording. There’s the honest approach. [Show panhandler with sign reading “Why lie? I want a corporate retreat in the Bahamas.”] There’s the pity approach. [“Suffering from terminal stupidity. No one wants to buy my huge expensive trucks. Please help.”]

3. Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.

4. Good news for some California state employees - Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news - it’s whether they want it or not.

5. Today's headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.

12/19

1. Yesterday, the internet connection between the Middle East and Europe got disconnected, which means Saudi Arabians will have to start having sex with their wives. Or at least their maids.

2. General Motors and Chrysler are going to get $17.4 billion in “short-term” loans. Short-term, because they’ll run through that in about [look at watch] a few hours.

3. A new study says that sneezing can be a sign of sexual attraction. That explains why I like furry women.

4. This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.

5. Barack Obama has picked conservative pastor Rick Warren to give his inauguration prayer. There has been some controversy, though, because Warren opposes same-sex marriage and abortion. Well, if you’re going to have a Republican, that’s a compromise you have to make. So did Mother Teresa.

12/18

1. Burger King is going to market a men’s fragrance with the smell of meat for only $3.99. For less than that, can’t you just stuff a Whopper in your pants?

2. The last South Korean troops in Iraq were brought home yesterday. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “There were South Korean troops in Iraq?” It’s because everyone in South Korea has to serve in the military, so they run out of things for them to do. There are South Korean troops under my desk. Which explains all the holes in my socks.

3. Japan is forecasting zero growth for next year. Zero. Things are especially bad because they’re moving all their factories to the U.S. to hire our cheap workers.

4. Scientists now say that Mars is more hospitable to life than previously thought, which inspired Obama to announce that people with foreclosed homes can be sent there.

5. Israeli riot police injured 50 people yesterday, but this is true, they were other Israeli riot police in a training exercise. If this is what they do to each other, imagine what they do to the Palestinians. It got worse when the injured riot police declared their own homeland in the hospital.

12/17

1. There is apparently still advertising available during the Super Bowl. And it’s only $3 million for 30 seconds! I know, rush to your phones! Some of the ads are being bought by the Detroit Lions, because that’s as close as they’re getting to the Super Bowl.

2. The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?

3. The Mexican government has now decided that going undercover is legal. Which means Italian restaurants across America can finally reveal their Mexican cooks to the world.

4. Yesterday, on the 60th anniversary of the Declaration of Human Rights, the Chinese government arrested dozens of peaceful protestors. They later explained they thought if was like how people don’t work on Labor Day.

5. And unlike here in America, consumers in China are apparently still buying plenty of stuff. Apparently, they’ve discovered a way to eat plastic, because most of their food is poisoned.

12/16

1. The brother of the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush said it was spontaneous, and not pre-planned. Really? He was going to ask: “Um, Mr. Bush, what are your thoughts on Kirkuk?” But instead, he went: “Um, ah, arrrgghhh! This is the farewell kiss, you dog!” Sometimes I feel Chris Matthews is about to do that. However, a co-worker of the shoe guy said that he’d been thinking of doing “something” for a year. And this is the best he came up with after a year? It’s much better than throwing bombs, but not quite roses, so the Bush administration is calling it a tie.

2. When I read articles on Iraq, there will be some long explanation of legal issues, and then suddenly at the end, oh by the way, eight police officers were killed in a bomb attack. Where did that come from? That’s like some big article on endangered mountain lion, and then at the end, oh by the way, on the corner of Smith and Main Street, firefighters rescued a kitten from a tree.

3. So oil prices continue to fall. You really have to feel for the oil companies. Yeah, awww. In fact, oil prices have fallen to their lowest since 2005! Oh my god! That was a time before iPhones!

4. The new prime minister of Thailand says that his favorite book is “The Myth of Sisyphus”, which means he’s really going to love being prime minister of Thailand.

5. A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.

12/15

1. An Iraqi cameraman threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a dog. Now, I don’t know how Iraqis treat their politicians, but I know I don’t want to be a dog there. That’s not a nice way to treat a dog. Luckily, Bush was able to duck out of the way, showing his skill at dodging anything thrown at him by reporters.

2. Some of the biggest banks in the world have lost money in this $50 billion fraud run by Bernie Madoff. This follows on their huge losses in the fraud known as “intelligent home buyers”. After subprime loans, are we surprised they gave so much money to someone who couldn’t pay them back? Next, we’re going to find that the banks were lending money to my uncle Joey.

3. Casinos have been losing a lot of money in the current recession, and some people say that the gambling age should be lowered to 18. Yeah, teach kids to throw their money away early. That’s an important lesson. And you know, they should be getting more money from the young and healthy, instead of from buses of senior citizens.

4. A new study says that obesity may be partially due to having a different brain than thinner people. Which has increased the demand for brain removal surgery. Luckily, the only people who want it have already had it done.

5. Madonna gave Guy Ritchie $90 million. Considering his budgets, he’ll be able to make about 20 movies with that.

12/13

1. In South Florida, someone tried to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman, and he defended himself by throwing the pizza at the guy. Now, what does he know about these pizzas that we don’t? I knew they were unhealthy, but I didn’t know they were lethal. Are the pizzas made in China?

2. So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.

3. The Indian Navy has captured 23 pirates. What is going on? First India goes to the moon, then it captures pirates. Pretty soon it’s going to be arresting politicians in Illinois.

4. The head of the U.S. military in Iraq says that we are in the endgame there. Good, I’ll be glad when we’re done with the games. This has all been a game?

5. A Russian woman has been named Miss World after a two-hour ceremony in South Africa. This is all part of Putin’s plan. First the oil, then the beauty pageants, then the oil to put on the beauty contestants.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a speech, and there’s good news and bad news. The good news is he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news -- he was giving the speech in China.

A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.

A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.

This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.

In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.

In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.

The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”

Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next there’ll be a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.

Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”

A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.

The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!

Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.

12/12

1. A new survey shows that nearly half of all men lie about what they read in order to impress women. Shouldn’t that just be: “lie about reading, period”?

2. Traffic fatalities are at their lowest level on record. Yeah, because in the summer, no one could afford to drive, and now that they can, they have nowhere to go since they lost their jobs.

3. California has a budget shortfall of $42 billion. And the Big Three automakers are getting $4 billion. Maybe you could just give the $4 billion to California and they’ll buy the cars.

4. A new study says that sugar might be as addictive as cocaine. Which means it’s even worse, because at least with cocaine, you might lose some weight.

5. The attorney-general of Illinois has said that Governor Blagojevich should resign, or she’ll press charges. Well, no, as we’ve learned from Larry Craig - just keep going to work.

12/10

1. There might be a special election in Illinois to fill Obama’s Senate seat, and extra care will be taken to see that no bribes are given out. In Illinois, that is a very special election.

2. The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”

3. A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.

4. This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.

5. The British prime minister Gordon Brown mistakenly said in a speech yesterday that his government had “saved the world”. No, actually, Barack Obama is going to save the world. Just a correction.

12/09

1. The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!

2. Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next we’ll hear about a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.

3. A woman in China actually lost part of her hearing after a passionate kiss from her boyfriend. The doctor said that the loss of air pressure in her mouth ruptured her eardrum. What was he using, a vacuum cleaner? Maybe the Chinese can make a hat for guys when they kiss, so if there’s a loss in mouth pressure, an oxygen mask will pop out of the brim like on airplanes.

4. Detroit auto executives are still having a hard time convincing Congress to give them bailout money. You know, maybe they shouldn’t have started the hearings by saying: [cheesy voice] “Hey, tell you what I’m gonna do, just for today, and just for you because I like your face.”

5. A new study says that eating nuts every day can help people control obesity. But a major health group warned: “You can’t just sit on the sofa this Christmas and eat nuts”. Well, of course - you have to eat cookies and cake and drink eggnog too.

12/08

1. A new study says that cold sores may be one of the causes of Alzheimer’s Disease, which means kissing causes Alzheimer’s. At least you won’t kiss and tell, because you won’t even remember being kissed.

2. The CEO of Merrill Lynch is asking for a $10 million bonus, because the company only got taken over in desperation, rather than actually going bankrupt. That’s like a security guard saying “Hey, sure I let people loot your store. But I didn’t let it burn to the ground! Give me a bonus!”

3. Scientists have now shown that dogs have a basic understanding of fairness. Then why do they put up with eating out of a bowl and rolling over? Don’t we love our dogs because they have no concept of fairness?

4. Some laid-off factory workers in Illinois are camped inside their old factory until they get severance and vacation pay. The union wants Bank of America to help, because the bank cut off financing. I guess when you bail out a bank, the water just goes into another boat.

5. The Supreme Court has thrown out a lawsuit claiming that Obama is too British to be president. Well, Bush acts like a soccer hooligan, but it didn’t stop him.

12/07

1. In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.

2. In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.

3. Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”

4. A record number of Americans are now riding trains and buses instead of driving. Yeah, I’ve noticed a lot of people who aren’t used to the subway - when it’s crowded, they keep honking. They’re also the ones listening to books on tape, instead of actually reading books in their hands.

5. A new survey says that Angelina Jolie is the highest-paid actress in Hollywood. She makes $15 million per movie. To put it in perspective, the $25 billion auto bailout will be worth 1.67 MegaJolies.

12/06

1. Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a speech, and there’s good news and bad news. The good news is he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news -- he was giving the speech in China.

2. A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.

3. A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.

4. Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.

5. A Russian ship has passed through the Panama Canal for the first time since World War II. A spokesperson for Panama said that the canal is open to “all the world’s ships”. Well, except for “I Hate Panama Cruise Lines”.

BEST OF THE WEEK

A driver in Texas slammed into another car at 100 mph because he said God told him to. This is why God should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive when it’s raining. The brakes won’t work, because you’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.

A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.

Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.

A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.

OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.

In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.

Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”

The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.

This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.

Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…

Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.

Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.

American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.

12/05

1. A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.

2. A new study says that men with high intelligence tend to have better sperm, which is good, because they don’t get to use it very often.

3. OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.

4. The new breed of electric cars use batteries made from lithium. That’s because most cars are manic depressive, and without lithium, the cars shift from extremely high speeds to slow plodding motion for no particular reason.

5. Last month, the economy had the biggest rise in job losses for 34 years. Many of the losses were, ironically, for people who write about job losses. So even if hiring goes up again, those people won’t get their jobs back.

12/04

1. In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.

2. The Bushes have now purchased a home in a wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. They need to use their money now, because he’s not going to make much from the speech circuit or any memoirs. Maybe a puppet show or finger-painting.

3. Well, we got another reminder that Canada is only 99% democracy yesterday, when the prime minister asked the appointed representative of the Queen of England to shut down Parliament, and the representative agreed. This is the first time this has ever happened in Canada in response to an almost certain vote of no confidence. Wait, isn’t Canada a democracy? This is why I’m not moving there. And we thought the electoral college was screwy. Any time a Canadian gives you flak about the electoral college, here’s your ammo.

4. The price of oil has fallen to its lowest level in four years. Aw, isn’t that too bad. I guess the oil companies will just have to live on all the money they grabbed from us in the summer. If they ask for a bailout, I’m getting my torch and pitchfork. Whew, that was close! We Americans almost had to learn our lesson! Good thing that didn’t last.

5. A congresswoman in Florida hung up on Barack Obama, because she thought it was a prank. A lot of Republicans having been hoping the same thing since the election. “Hey, we got you good, Republicans! Yeah, John McCain is really going to be the president. Ohhh, got you again! The president is really going to be Sarah Palin!”

12/03

1. An ancient stash of marijuana was recently found in China’s Gobi Desert. Scientists believe it belonged to the Chinese emperor, who was then 16 years old. “Mom will never find it in the desert!”

2. Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”

3. The artist with the most nominations at the Grammys this year is rapper Lil Wayne, as the Grammys try to continue their streak of winners with multiple drug offences. They can’t have Amy Winehouse every year.

4. The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.

5. The Federal Reserve is going to cut interest rates again, this time to -2%, which means that banks will actually have to pay you to loan money to you. Which is kind of what taxpayers have already been doing with the bank bailout.

12/02

1. A driver in Texas slammed into another car at 100 mph because he said God told him to. This is why God should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive when it’s raining. The brakes won’t work, because you’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.

2. This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.

3. Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…

4. Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.

5. Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.

11/30

1. A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.

2. The owners of a company in Illinois gave employees Christmas bonuses this year for as much as $35,000, splitting $6.6 million among 230 employees. The owners were then immediately thrown out ARNTWE [pronounced “Aren’t we?”], the Association of Ridiculously Nauseously Titillatingly Wealthy Executives. “You’re making the rest of us look bad!”

3. Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.

4. A new study says that antioxidants, which are supposed to clean up free radicals, don’t really stop the process of ageing. The study interviewed several older policemen who, back in the 60s, had cleaned up tons of hippies and other free radicals.

5. In Switzerland today, voters decided to let doctors prescribe heroin. In completely unrelated news, this year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony will be held in Geneva.

11/29

1. A new study shows that 25 percent of employees look at porn while at work. I am amazed that the percentage is so low. Going by the staff here at @@@, I thought it was at least 95%.

2. In Switzerland, people are voting on whether to allow doctors to prescribe an extremely addictive and dangerous substance, known as chocolate. No, it’s heroin. They would never legalize something as addictive as chocolate.

3. American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.

4. The Bush administration is working hard to pass a new rule that will make it harder to regulate hazards in the workplace, because after the big Obama win, they want to kill off as many workers as possible.

5. A café in Iowa is apparently seeing huge demand for a cookie that Barack Obama’s family loves. Obama is already improving the economy! We’re out of the recession! They are even getting orders from as far away as Mexico, because with the current economy, it‘s not worth the Mexicans’ time to cross the border. In fact, the cookies now make up 45% of American exports.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.

Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers also called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.

A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.

The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.

A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.

Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.

The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.

Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.

The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.

Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.

11/26

1. In Japan, they’re having the first-ever play with robot actors. The lead role is being played by Eddie Murphy.

2. An actress in South Korea who cheated on her husband might go to jail for 18 months because adultery is illegal there. So this is why so many Korean baseball players are coming to America!

3. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.

4. The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.

5. The prime minister of Thailand has refused to resign, even though protesters have taken over the airport. It’s like when Bill Clinton refused to resign, even during the invasion of our nation’s airports by Starbucks. “I will not let the Frappuccino hordes determine the future of America!”

11/25

1. A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.

2. A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.

3. Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.

4. Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.

5. The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.

11/24

1. Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.

2. Have you heard about this farm in Africa where wives can be fattened up? This is because a fat wife is a sign of high status there. And they’ve branched out to a new location near my house - it’s called “Cinnabon”.

3. A new study says that a bad boss can increase your risk of heart disease. Yeah, like my old boss was constantly on my case about eating healthier and exercising. He nagged me so much that the healthy food and exercise just balanced out the stress so I had a normal risk of heart disease.

4. A major Muslim charity in the United States has been found guilty of funding radical Islamic terrorists. But what got me is that the charity was based in Texas. I guess for them, all the right-wing anti-Muslim sentiment is outweighed by being in the heartland of crazy fundamentalist religions.

5. Today, President Bush issued 14 pardons, all of which were for the American people, who accepted the apologies.

11/22

1. Malaysia has outlawed yoga for Muslims, because they don’t want them to be limber. Flexibility goes against the Koran. They are worried about women in spandex stretching their bodies. That might seem strange, until you think about your average yoga class. [Show images of spandex-wearing women doing yoga.] I don’t even let my seven-year-old kid watch yoga.

2. The Vatican newspaper has now forgiven John Lennon for saying that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. It follows on forgiving other people for being crazy radical “truth-tellers”, like Galileo and Darwin.

3. Astronauts at the International Space Station are still trying to fix a system that turns urine into drinking water. The system was built in China, where it’s simply called the drinking water system.

4. A new study says that exercise and sleep can help women not get cancer. Because if they’re getting plenty of sleep and exercising regularly, they’re probably not smoking.

5. A couple in Arkansas is suing McDonald’s because some employees posted nude photos of the wife online after finding them on a cell phone they left at a McDonald’s restaurant. Now normally, it would seem ridiculous to sue the company, since it had nothing to do with it, but there was this section in the employee manual. [Show fake “manual” section that contains a clause reading: “All nude photos found on the premises of any McDonald’s must be sent to the executives at McDonald’s headquarters for analysis.”]

11/21

1. Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.

2. The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.

3. A new intelligence report by the government says that the United States’ global dominance will diminish in the next two decades. Of course, this follows intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, North Korea didn’t have nuclear weapons, and the Soviet Union was doing [okay sign] juuust fiiine the day before it completely collapsed. So maybe they’re trying to use reverse psychology.

4. Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.

5. The body of Copernicus, who first proposed that the Earth goes around the Sun, has been discovered. Historians believe that he was murdered by some ancient leader named Saranus Palinus.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about all of his ideas. Well, technically, it’s more of a pamphlet. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st! That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”.

Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.

Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.

The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of a shortage of activity, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance!

There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”

Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”

A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”

Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.

Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?

President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.

A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.

11/20

1. President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.

2. The CEOs of the Big Three auto companies went to Washington today to ask for a bailout, and they flew in private jets. Even they aren’t using their cars. Why do they expect us to buy them?

3. Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about his ideas. Or, well, I suppose it’s more of a pamphlet or business card. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st. That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Does he have any time for plumbing anymore? Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”. The book will be co-written by Thomas Tabback, who also wrote a novel called “Things Forgotten”, which is about forgotten things like this. [Show quote of Wurzelbacher saying that he would never “cash in” with a book deal.]

4. Janet Napolitano, the governor of Arizona, is probably going to be in charge of Homeland Security under Barack Obama. Napolitano. Do we really want someone with a built-in Napoleon Complex?

5. Have you heard about this Czech model who doesn’t have a belly button? You know who else doesn’t have a belly button? Barack Obama – because he descended from Heaven.

11/19

1. Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?

2. Scientists have now mapped the gene sequence of a woolly mammoth. They identified him as a former stand-up comedian living near Los Angeles. No, wait, that’s Robin Williams. Different woolly mammoth.

3. The army apparently released a doctored photo of a general yesterday. Can we see the original photo? [Show general’s photo with the bookshelf background.] Now show the doctored photo. [Show photo with @@@’s head on the body.] I don’t know how they thought they would get away with that.

4. Tom Daschle, the former Senate majority leader who lost the Senate to the Republicans, has been picked by Barack Obama as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Hopefully he’ll be better at the health of human beings than the health of political parties.

5. Lance Armstrong said that he is afraid for his safety when bicycling in the Tour de France. He feels that French spectators might attack him on the road because they say he uses illegal drugs. Man, that is definitely not New York City. I have never heard a New Yorker say: “What?! That guy is on illegal drugs? Let’s attack him!” Usually it’s the other way around. And is it smart to attack a guy because you think he’s using steroids? This is a different type of roid rage.

11/18

1. The military has developed a new camera that can be shot out of a grenade launcher. My dad might have been interested in that. “[female voice] Honey, call the kids over for a photo.” “[male voice] No need!” [Mime shouldering a bazooka.]

2. Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.

3. Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.

4. The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of shortages of sailors, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance! [Wave to studio audience.] C’mon everyone! Let’s go invade Australia after the show!

5. Almost half of primary-care doctors say they want to see fewer patients or even stop practicing entirely, and a big reason is frustration with insurance companies. I think this is actually what the insurance companies want. The ideal situation for them is everyone has to buy insurance, but there aren’t any doctors to see anymore.

11/17

1. There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”

2. Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”

3. A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”

4. Because of rules about transparent communication, Barack Obama may not be allowed to use e-mail after he becomes president. That will mean the unfortunate end of his personal emoticon. [Show typical smiley face emoticon, but with big parentheses on both sides for his ears.]

5. A lot of people are talking about Hillary Clinton becoming Secretary of State. But I don’t know if she’d be happy in any situation where she’s Obama’s secretary.

11/15

1. Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.

2. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?

3. The Croatian government has banned Christmas celebrations, and Bill O’Reilly’s crack team of commandos in the War on Christmas immediately redeployed from just outside the New York Times.

4. The world’s wealthiest nations had an enormous summit in which they pledged to “restore growth”. And in similar news, McDonald’s pledged to “sell hamburgers”.

5. Mexico City is going to offer free Viagra to elderly men, because if there’s anything Mexico City needs, its more people. So if you thought cheap black market Viagra was big now.

11/14

1. A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.

2. An Indian space probe has now landed on the Moon. Man, they are really serious about outsourcing. When they had mechanical trouble, they called a help center in the U.S.

3. In Mexico, scientists have succeeded in turning tequila into diamonds. There was an immediate outcry from many Mexicans. ‘That is perfectly good tequila!” The reason it can only be done with tequila is the worm.

4. Today, Michael Jackson lost ownership of Neverland Ranch. You know, he started out as Peter Pan, but now he looks more like Captain Hook.

5. Yesterday, thieves in Russia stole an entire church. The congregation soon got a sympathy card from an organization of moderate Republicans.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Nigeria’s only satellite has been taken offline. As you may know, the Nigerian satellite was originally launched to help distribute e-mails around the world. The program ran out of money when an amazing business deal with the wife of an ex-general mysteriously fell through.

There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.

A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.

Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.

“Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.

Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.

Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?

There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.

Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.

Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.

Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.

President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.

11/13

1. Nigeria’s only satellite has been taken offline. As you may know, the Nigerian satellite was originally launched to help distribute e-mails around the world. The program ran out of money when an amazing business deal with the wife of an ex-general mysteriously fell through.

2. There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.

3. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?

4. Yesterday in Canada, a man was released from prison because he was too fat for his jail cell. And today, Alaskan senator Ted Stevens started going to buffets.

5. Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.

11/12

1. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen said today that the $700 billion financial bailout is working. In response, traders sent stocks down to one of their lowest levels so far. Man, I’d hate to see things if it wasn’t working!

2. A chimpanzee in Florida has adopted two tiger cubs. Through sign language, the chimp says that she was inspired by Barack Obama. He’s even inspiring other species!

3. Google is now tracking the spread of the flu. They do it by secretly inserting a camera into the nose of every American. There are a few worries about privacy laws, though. They put the “us” into “mucus”.

4. A man in Florida tried to steal Communion wafers at a church yesterday. He apparently thought they were Necco wafers.

5. A new pyramid has been discovered in the Egyptian desert. There is no top, though. Only the base is left. Researchers think that it’s probably already been thoroughly robbed. That sounds like my hair. I can relate. And my brains were plundered long ago. Not that they would have been worth much.

11/11

1. President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.

2. There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.

3. Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.

4. An analyst said the current view of General Motors is “not pretty”. [Wave hand.] Especially with all those SUVs. Cough.

5. People have been selling tickets to Obama’s inauguration, even though they’re not available yet. And will be free. Well, as Wall Street shows, there’s no trouble selling something that doesn’t exist.

11/10

1. Starbucks reported that its profits are way down this year, because with the current economy, no one needs caffeine to stay awake.

2. Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.

3. “Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.

4. Breast feeding apparently helps your lungs get stronger. “Hey baby, I’m not a player. I just have asthma.”

5. Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.

11/8

1. For the first time, a satellite from India is orbiting the moon. Because that’s what’s been holding them back all these years! It’s not rampant illiteracy, corrupt police, and environmental devastation. No, they don’t know enough about the moon! Actually, if you’ve ever been to Bombay, you might think the moon is a nicer place to live, since even without oxygen, the air is more breathable.

2. Now that they have so much more power, Democrats in the Senate are trying to officially punish Senator Joe Lieberman for not following lockstep with the Democratic Party line. Ah, so good to see the Democrats learning from Karl Rove. So now Lieberman is thinking of joining the Republicans. Way to go, Harry Reid!

3. Anonymous Republican aides have leaked some very damaging information about Sarah Palin, and in response, Palin called them jerks. Anonymous leaks? Bitter infighting? What are the Republicans becoming - Democrats?

4. The government now says that attacks on the websites of John McCain and Barack Obama came from China. The website responded to what looked like normal e-mails, but which were actually contaminated with lead.

5. A prominent judge has warned that young people today might not be able to serve on juries, because they’re too used to reading online instead of listening for long stretches. That’s right! These kids need to be watching more TV! Enough of all this reading!

11/7

1. Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.

2. There have been rumors that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is, in fact, ill. Il is ill. So North Korea released a photo of Kim with some troops, but the photo was apparently doctored. One of the clues was that his shadow was different from the troops. But actually, things of pure evil do cast different shadows from the rest of us, as can be seen from this photo. [Show picture of people around a sign reading “Time Warner Cable” and the sign casts a different shadow.]

3. So a big question now is: “What is the White House pet going to be?” I guess we can eliminate the Chihuahua. [Show picture of a Chihuahua next to one of Obama, with the ears of both prominent.]

4. A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.

5. The jobless rate is at its highest since 1994, which, of course, was when the Rolling Stones cancelled a tour. Roadies were literally all over the street.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.

A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.

A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”

[On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”

This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.

Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.

President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.

Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.

There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.

So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.

11/5

1. So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.

2. Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.

3. This morning, President Bush said about the election that “history was made yesterday.” Then he added, “Despite my best efforts to stop it.”

4. President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.

5. However, the election was a major blow to one group in this country: Elderly Americans. When will they finally see one of their own in the White House?

11/4

1. [On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”

2. Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.

3. I loved it whenever CNN would say things like: “We’re going to call South Carolina for McCain. Obama is currently in the lead there.” Did you learn anything from the election in 2000? Anderson Cooper at CNN even started asking about it. “I notice we’re completely contradicting ourselves. Are we insane?” And then, as if to answer his own question, this is true, he did an interview with a hologram.

4. A new study says that left-handed people tend to be more anxious and shy than right-handers. Maybe because they fear shaking hands. [Act out awkwardness of left hander reaching out to shake hands.]

5. An original sketch of Winnie the Pooh sold for twice its estimated value today. The sketch was not featured in the actual children’s books, because, well, take a look. [Show sketch of Pooh reaching into a pot, and inside the pot are car keys.] It’s a key party.

11/3

1. A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.

2. A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”

3. Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.

4. If Barack Obama loses tomorrow, the unemployment rate is going to skyrocket, because every poll-taker in American is going to lose his job.

5. The Vatican is going to bring back time clocks for its employees, to improve time efficiency. At least they don’t have to worry about losing their retirement plans. God has a great one, though his health care plan is not so good.

11/1

1. In Wales, road signs have to be in both English and Welsh. So look at this sign. [Show sign] Now, the English makes sense, but the Welsh apparently means, this is true: “I am out of the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated.” Of course, in New York, you get that sort of thing and the signs are just in English.

2. There is a huge exploding mud volcano in Indonesia right now. However, this is still not the biggest mud volcano on record. That record goes to the one erupting right now in Washington. Oh my god! I need a mud guard just to watch TV these days.

3. Sarah Palin said today that Barack Obama’s tax plan will “dash the dreams of Americans”. As opposed to the Bush tax plan, which has utterly pulverized them.

4. There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.

5. Actor Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit doing movies. He says that the reason is to focus on his music. Because apparently acting is so draining that no one can do that AND music.

10/31

1. Barack Obama’s campaign has kicked three conservative newspapers off his plane. When the newspapers complained, he said: “Hey, just be thankful we’re still on the ground.”

2. This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.

3. Obama broadcast a half-hour infomercial last night. And tonight will be a half-hour infomercial for McCain. It’s called “Hannity & Colmes”.

4. A new study says that it’s okay for pregnant women to have one or two drinks a week. Amy Winehouse heard the news and said: “That’s great! I already only drink one or two kegs a week!”

5. A group in Great Britain is trying to break the record for the most zombies to perform the dance in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. The event will take place at the local headquarters for Apple Computers.

10/30

1. Well, the economy surprised no one by shrinking in the last quarter. And spending really dropped for non-durable goods, like food, paper, investment banks.

2. A poet in Canada has written a book where each chapter only uses one vowel. I think we already have that in the U.S. It’s called “The Collected Press Conferences of George Bush”.

3. An Australian airliner lost its radar and had to be guided blind across the ocean. The passengers were very scared about something that had only been done for all of human history until the invention of radar.

4. Mobil Exxon recently had the biggest profit ever for a U.S. company. I think they’re hoarding up in anticipation of us storming them with pitchforks and torches.

5. In Thailand, there is a new trend for plastic clapping hands. So instead of clapping their own hands, people just shake these plastic ones. Are there any non-bizarre places left in the world? I guess this answers the question of “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

BEST OF THE WEEK

In England, an old roller coaster was getting torn down, and underneath, they found someone’s false leg. Now, how do you forget that? “Great ride! But there’s something different now. I just can’t put my foot on it.”

Recently, it seems like there are four presidential campaigns: Barack Obama and John McCain are running for president, Sarah Palin is running for president in 2012, and Joe Biden is running for president of Mars.

This weekend is the premiere of the movie “High School Musical 3”. Disney has already made plans for “High School Musical 4 - The Glamtastic Electric Dance” -- or “G.E.D.” for short.

Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”

The new leader of the far right in Austria said that its recently deceased leader was “the man of his life” and they had a “special relationship”. What does it say about the U.S. that in Europe our politicians would be less sensitive than neo-Nazis?

It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”

A new study says that women who wear red get more attention from men. Which explains why I’m often attracted to women with ketchup stains.

A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.

A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.

A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.

An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.

The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.

10/29

1. In England, an old roller coaster was getting torn down, and underneath, they found someone’s false leg. Now, how do you forget that? “Great ride! But there’s something different now. I just can’t put my foot on it.”

2. An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.

3. A new study says that using social networking websites can actually help people at work, so they shouldn’t be punished. That’s also what I used to tell my boss about vodka.

4. The 2nd longest-serving leader in Asia has now stepped down. Maumoon Gayoom of the Maldives. The longest-serving leader is, of course, Godzilla, King of the Monsters.

5. Some minerals recently found on Mars point towards a watery past for the planet. That’s also how I used to prove to my mom that I’d taken a shower. “See this iron around my elbow?”

10/28

1. A new study says that women who wear red receive more attention from men. Which explains why I’m often attracted to women with ketchup stains.

2. Well, the stock market went up an incredible 10% today! You know what that means? Tomorrow, it’s going into freefall.

3. The government arrested two white supremacists for plotting to kill Barack Obama. A lot of the evidence came from one of the accused’s MySpace page. I think that should be the first thing you learn in assassination school.

4. Kim Jong Il is apparently being treated by a French brain surgeon. Now isn’t that a moral dilemma? “Oh, my bad. Didn’t mean to give you a lobotomy.”

5. Vitamin E supplements don’t lower the risk of prostate cancer. But as ravers can tell you, they do make you very happy.

10/27

1. The top movies in the country are “High School Musical 3” and “Saw”. One is about young people struggling through painful contrived situations, and the other is a horror movie.

2. A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.

3. The main newspaper of Anchorage, Alaska has endorsed Barack Obama. Their top reason for not supporting McCain: “Because we’ll miss Sarah Palin.” Awww.

4. A man on a train in France got his arm stuck in a toilet, and firefighters had to take him out with the toilet still attached. The worst part was that at least five people urinated on him. This being France, they thought it was a conceptual art piece.

5. Newly developed purple tomatoes can help keep you from getting cancer, because they remind you of what smoker’s lung looks like.

10/25

1. This weekend is the premiere of the movie “High School Musical 3”. Disney has already made plans for “High School Musical 4 - The Glamtastic Electric Dance” -- or “G.E.D.” for short.

2. Some people are saying that even if gas prices go back down, people’s driving habits have been changed forever. “Forever” of course, is a media slang term for “two weeks”.

3. A new study says that 4% of children in the U.S. now have a food allergy. Especially to Chinese food.

4. Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”

5. There are reports that Sarah Palin wants to strike out more on her own. How more independent does she want to get? Does she want to arm wrestle McCain?

10/24

1. The new leader of the far right in Austria said that its recently deceased leader was “the man of his life” and they had a “special relationship”. What does it say about the U.S. that in Europe our politicians would be less sensitive than neo-Nazis?

2. It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”

3. A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.

4. Sony has removed a song from a new video game because the lyrics feature two verses from the Koran. Yeah, they wouldn’t want anyone to get riled up while playing Carjack 2008.

5. The ex-king of Nepal has been told that if he doesn’t pay his bill, his electricity will be cut off. There was no comment from Con Edison.

10/23

1. Recently, it seems like there are four presidential campaigns: Barack Obama and John McCain are running for president, Sarah Palin is running for president in 2012, and Joe Biden is running for president of Mars.

2. A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.

3. In London, an atheist organization is putting slogans on buses that read: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Yes, believing that your mind and soul will be permanently destroyed forever when you die -- that’ll make most people stop worrying.

4. The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.

5. John McCain has accused Barack Obama of backing both teams in the World Series. Good to know where our priorities are. “He says he likes butter AND margarine!” “He doesn’t care which direction his toilet paper hangs!”

BEST OF THE WEEK

A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.

Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.

A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.

Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.

Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.

Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.

Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!

President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.

The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.

The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.

President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.

Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.

10/22

1. Now, you’ve heard about referees throwing games, but sometimes I think they should hide it a little better. Take a look at this video from a recent Louisiana State football game. [Show video of referee tackling the LSU QB.] I haven’t seen anything like that since a profile of Barack Obama on Fox News.

2. Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.

3. In Britain, people have learned that edible sex toys from China might be contaminated. Maybe the Chinese are just bitter about their one-child policy. “Damn it, the rest of the world needs to be scared of sex too!”

4. India is launching its first probe of the moon, in an attempt to find new audiences for Bollywood movies.

5. The McCain campaign is really hurting for cash apparently. This is true, they sent a letter to the Russian mission at the United Nations. The Russians, thankfully, declined. The McCain camp says it was a mistake, but they’ve changed directions so many times, who knows?

10/21

1. Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.

2. A new study says that almost half of parents can’t recognize weight problems in their children. Maybe because they can’t even see their kids down there. “I think he’s somewhere near my knees!”

3. Apparently, an Italian airliner had a run-in with a UFO 17 years ago. Yeah, I had a UFO at an Italian restaurant once, but it turned out to be a meatball. That’s what happens when you have kids.

4. A group of scientists is going to let everyone see their genetic sequence. So now people will know if they have a tendency for blue eyes - or you could look at their faces.

5. Barack Obama is trying to get people to vote early, because he is way ahead in the polls now. “Vote now! Before you change your mind! And before I have to reveal my devil worship in November!”

10/20

1. Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!

2. A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.

3. A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.

4. Now this is bizarre, but true, a new study says the smell of farts might reduce high blood pressure. Which gives me a much better excuse. “Oh, sorry, I just thought you seemed a little stressed.”

5. Barack Obama is visiting his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Republicans immediately released this campaign ad. [Slowly zoom in on a house in the woods. Narrator: “Barack Obama says that he’s visiting his sick grandmother. Well, we remember someone else who visited a sick grandmother.” Cut to old cartoons of Red Riding Hood wolf. “Don’t be Red State Riding Hood. Stop the wolf now.” “I’m John McCain and I approve this message.”]

10/18

1. President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.

2. This weekend, Oliver Stone released his “historical” movie about President Bush. Is he fully aware that Bush is still president? Oliver Stone’s presidential biopics are coming sooner and sooner. In fact, he’s already started filming “Palin”. Yeah, I know, that won’t be until 2012, but he needs to do it now, because if he waits until Palin’s in office, all the theaters will have already been destroyed by nuclear war.

3. The government of South Korea is going to guarantee $100 billion in offshore debt by its banks. To let you know how crazy the current financial crisis is, the sanest economy on the Korean peninsula right now is North Korea.

4. O.J. Simpson’s Football Hall of Fame ring is now in a custody battle. Said Simpson, quote: [Lord of the Rings Gollum voice] “Not my precious! Bad judges can’t take away my precious!”

5. There was big news at a golf tournament in Portugal, because an official fell into a lake and had to be rescued, because he couldn’t swim. Golfers in Florida were like: “Wimp! Put some alligators in there! Then we‘ll feel sorry for you.”

10/17

1. The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.

2. The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.

3. President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.

4. The tomb of the man who inspired the movie “Gladiator” has been found. And although the character in the movie has a very sad story, the real person ended up very rich and famous. Kind of like the actor who played the character in the movie.

5. A horse in Nevada is going to have his artwork in an international competition in Italy. But considering this is Italy, if he wins, the horse might be part of a new exhibit called “Heads in Beds”.

10/16

1. Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.

2. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.

3. Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.

4. John McCain told Barack Obama last night that he is not Bush, and if Obama wanted to run against Bush, he should have done it four years ago. A lot of people corrected him: “No, he should have run against him eight years ago! Then we might not be in this mess!”

5. A new fish fossil is giving clues about how sea animals made it to land. The methods are already being studied by human smugglers.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.

A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.

Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.

The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?

Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”

Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he won’t raise the kids as Jewish.

Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.

10/15

1. Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.

2. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he wont raise the kids as Jewish.

3. A judge in Nebraska has thrown out a lawsuit against God, because he said God’s address was unlisted. Donald Trump then called in to let them know that no, he’s listed.

4. Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.

5. Well, the stock market plunged again today. The only stock that was up - medicine for sea sickness.

10/14

1. Canada has had an election, and the conservative party is set to win, which is good because if Obama becomes president, Republicans need someplace to move to.

2. In anticipation of a government plan to bail out banks today, the stock market jumped over 900 points yesterday. However, after President Bush actually announced the plan today, the stock market began falling again. Can someone tell me again why the economy is in these people’s hands? Maybe they should get someone besides Bush to announce the plans. It’s too obvious that he has no idea what he’s talking about.

3. Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.

4. A new study says that internet use is good for improving the brains of middle aged or older people. Yeah, porn will do that. Viagra for the mind.

5. A major expedition in Antarctica is going to study a huge range of mountains buried beneath over two miles of ice. They think Bin Laden might be hiding there.

10/13

1. Ringo Starr has announced that he will no longer sign anything for fans after October 20. He says that he has way too many other things to do. Which is why he had plenty of time while he was with the Beatles.

2. American Paul Krugman has won the Nobel Prize in economics, for his work on economies of scale. And economies of scale are getting important as Americans become more obese. This is a big shift from a hundred years ago, when researchers were focusing on economies of smallpox.

3. Remember Mark Foley, the congressman who had to resign after he sent sexy messages to his assistants? Well, the congressman who took over for him has revealed that he paid $125,000 to a former mistress. I hear that the next person to run for that seat is going to be John Edwards.

4. Yet another former child star from the Brady Bunch has come out with a memoir about drug addiction. Which kid? Does it really matter anymore? When are we just going to ban children from appearing on TV? It’s obviously worse than anything else they could go through.

5. The banking system in Iceland is still frozen, which I would find more funny if I hadn’t lost so much money there.

10/12

1. A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.

2. Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.

3. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared on stage for the first time with Hillary and Bill Clinton this weekend. The Clintons are showing up now because Obama has been doing so well in the polls - and they are determined to sabotage him. “We have to stop this raging popularity!”

4. Some people are wondering if the current Obama surge will last. Well, at least it’s one surge that Obama will admit is working.

5. A 106-year-old American nun living in Rome has declared that she will vote for Barack Obama. Not because she supports his political positions, but because he looks like a very nice young man down the street. If Obama wins, she plans to go to the inauguration and offer him some Werther’s Original candies.

10/10

1. This week, a couple in Britain paid for honeymoon airline tickets by recycling cans and bottles. My god, how much did people at their wedding drink?

2. Connecticut today overturned the stat ban on gay marriage, which means there will finally be wedding bells for senators Joe Lieberman and John McCain.

3. The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?

4. The most isolated living creature ever has been found -- bacterium living 1.74 miles below the Earth’s surface. It breaks the record for most-isolated species previously held by Kim Jong Il.

5. The federal government released new guidelines for how much people should exercise, in order to get people more in shape easier. Yay! New guidelines! Did the human body change? We’ve still got the same bodies. It doesn’t matter how many times you change the guidelines.

10/9

1. Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”

2. The government has apparently been listening to the phone calls of Americans living abroad. However, the project didn’t get anywhere, because no one in the Bush Administration speaks any languages other than English.

3. Instead of getting a divorce, a couple in Cambodia have sawn their house in half. And as part of a three-hour ABC special, while they sawed through the house, in the middle stood David Blaine! Cheating death again!

4. The witnesses in Ted Steven’s corruption trial have included a senator from the Democrats, a sled dog racer, and, this is true, a man known as “Hobo Jim”. It was appropriate, because he and Stevens might be on the road together soon.

5. Next month, there is going to be a magazine cover showing Angelina Jolie breast-feeding. The subtitle is: “The second-luckiest males in America.”