Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.
A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.
Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?
Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”
Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he won’t raise the kids as Jewish.
Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment