10/7

1. Sarah Palin said today that she doesn’t know why Obama’s connection to the Rev. Jeremiah Wright isn’t discussed more. Does she own a television? Did she not notice the wall-to-wall coverage back when that story broke? Fox News was thinking of starting a 24-hour all-Jeremiah-Wright channel. If we had talked about it more, we wouldn’t have had time to talk about other things, like: “Here‘s your change” or “Good morning” People would starve, cities would cease to function. You think the economy is bad now? We had to stop talking about Wright for the good of the country!

2. And why don’t people discuss it more? Maybe because John McCain himself said that he didn’t want Rev. Wright to be a part of the campaign! This can mean only one thing - Sarah Palin has become a renegade vice-presidential candidate. Some piece of viral programming must have gotten into her system. When could that have happened? [Show footage of Palin meeting Dick Cheney and zero in melodramatically on them touching or seeming to touch.] Oh my god!

3. Scientists have now filmed the deepest fish ever, 4.9 miles below the surface. Man, is there nowhere safe from these paparazzi scientists? But wait, one of the scientists called the fish surprisingly cute. Maybe the fish knew they were coming. Maybe the fish are actually using the paparazzi for their own personal gain. In fact, can we see a close-up of the fish? [Show them from the back, with skirts added.] They’re not even wearing any underwear! These fish are obviously making a cry for help. They want to come out of the darkness.

4. Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.

5. Many Mexicans are upset, because the opera singer Placido Domingo is having a concert at the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza. The protesters say this degrades the history of a national landmark. Good thing we in the U.S. never have to worry about that. [Show quick montage of concerts at several major U.S. landmarks.]