BEST OF THE WEEK

A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.

Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.

A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.

Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.

Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.

Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.

Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!

President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.

The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.

The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.

President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.

Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.