1. A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.
2. Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
3. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared on stage for the first time with Hillary and Bill Clinton this weekend. The Clintons are showing up now because Obama has been doing so well in the polls - and they are determined to sabotage him. “We have to stop this raging popularity!”
4. Some people are wondering if the current Obama surge will last. Well, at least it’s one surge that Obama will admit is working.
5. A 106-year-old American nun living in Rome has declared that she will vote for Barack Obama. Not because she supports his political positions, but because he looks like a very nice young man down the street. If Obama wins, she plans to go to the inauguration and offer him some Werther’s Original candies.
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