BEST OF THE WEEK

The vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin is going to be tonight. Or as we in the joke business call it -- the swimsuit issue.

Some politicians are saying the public might support the Wall Street bailout if it wasn’t called a “bailout”. Well, isn’t that refreshingly open! “Hey, maybe they’d like it better if we lied!”

The mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, wants to change the law so he can have a third term. Man, even the mayor of New York is afraid to look for work now. “My god, I don’t even know how to use PowerPoint!”

A new study says far fewer illegal immigrants are entering the country. Apparently a lot of former Wall Street bankers are taking their jobs, since they have so much experience in laundering.

Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he doesn’t want people erecting statues of him. But without statues, what are they going to tear down when they get democracy back?

In Germany, the government is spending billions to bail out one of its banks too, a bank called Hypo Real Estate. Hypo. Don’t you think investors would have second thoughts about a bank named after hypodermic needles? Because that’s what easy credit was like -- heroin. Although my favorite bank name is a Japanese bank called, this is true, “Tomato Bank”. You know, I don’t trust any bank whose name can fit into a movie title beginning with “Attack of the Killer”.

A new study finds that people who take long sick leaves have a higher chance of dying early. Wow, really? That’s like saying people who bungee jump have a higher chance of dying from hitting the ground.

What was with the question at the vice-presidential debate about which is worse, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan. What do those have to do with each other? “Quick, which is worse: poverty in Brazil or, um, Kevin Federline?”