1. Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.
2. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he wont raise the kids as Jewish.
3. A judge in Nebraska has thrown out a lawsuit against God, because he said God’s address was unlisted. Donald Trump then called in to let them know that no, he’s listed.
4. Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
5. Well, the stock market plunged again today. The only stock that was up - medicine for sea sickness.
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