1. Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!
2. A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.
3. A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.
4. Now this is bizarre, but true, a new study says the smell of farts might reduce high blood pressure. Which gives me a much better excuse. “Oh, sorry, I just thought you seemed a little stressed.”
5. Barack Obama is visiting his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Republicans immediately released this campaign ad. [Slowly zoom in on a house in the woods. Narrator: “Barack Obama says that he’s visiting his sick grandmother. Well, we remember someone else who visited a sick grandmother.” Cut to old cartoons of Red Riding Hood wolf. “Don’t be Red State Riding Hood. Stop the wolf now.” “I’m John McCain and I approve this message.”]
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