1. The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!
2. Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next we’ll hear about a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.
3. A woman in China actually lost part of her hearing after a passionate kiss from her boyfriend. The doctor said that the loss of air pressure in her mouth ruptured her eardrum. What was he using, a vacuum cleaner? Maybe the Chinese can make a hat for guys when they kiss, so if there’s a loss in mouth pressure, an oxygen mask will pop out of the brim like on airplanes.
4. Detroit auto executives are still having a hard time convincing Congress to give them bailout money. You know, maybe they shouldn’t have started the hearings by saying: [cheesy voice] “Hey, tell you what I’m gonna do, just for today, and just for you because I like your face.”
5. A new study says that eating nuts every day can help people control obesity. But a major health group warned: “You can’t just sit on the sofa this Christmas and eat nuts”. Well, of course - you have to eat cookies and cake and drink eggnog too.
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