1. In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.
2. In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.
3. Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”
4. A record number of Americans are now riding trains and buses instead of driving. Yeah, I’ve noticed a lot of people who aren’t used to the subway - when it’s crowded, they keep honking. They’re also the ones listening to books on tape, instead of actually reading books in their hands.
5. A new survey says that Angelina Jolie is the highest-paid actress in Hollywood. She makes $15 million per movie. To put it in perspective, the $25 billion auto bailout will be worth 1.67 MegaJolies.
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