BEST OF THE WEEK

A driver in Texas slammed into another car at 100 mph because he said God told him to. This is why God should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive when it’s raining. The brakes won’t work, because you’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.

A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.

Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.

A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.

OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.

In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.

Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”

The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.

This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.

Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…

Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.

Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.

American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.