BEST OF THE WEEK

Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a speech, and there’s good news and bad news. The good news is he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news -- he was giving the speech in China.

A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.

A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.

This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.

In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.

In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.

The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”

Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next there’ll be a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.

Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”

A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.

The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!

Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.