11/19

1. Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?

2. Scientists have now mapped the gene sequence of a woolly mammoth. They identified him as a former stand-up comedian living near Los Angeles. No, wait, that’s Robin Williams. Different woolly mammoth.

3. The army apparently released a doctored photo of a general yesterday. Can we see the original photo? [Show general’s photo with the bookshelf background.] Now show the doctored photo. [Show photo with @@@’s head on the body.] I don’t know how they thought they would get away with that.

4. Tom Daschle, the former Senate majority leader who lost the Senate to the Republicans, has been picked by Barack Obama as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Hopefully he’ll be better at the health of human beings than the health of political parties.

5. Lance Armstrong said that he is afraid for his safety when bicycling in the Tour de France. He feels that French spectators might attack him on the road because they say he uses illegal drugs. Man, that is definitely not New York City. I have never heard a New Yorker say: “What?! That guy is on illegal drugs? Let’s attack him!” Usually it’s the other way around. And is it smart to attack a guy because you think he’s using steroids? This is a different type of roid rage.