1. [On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”
2. Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.
3. I loved it whenever CNN would say things like: “We’re going to call South Carolina for McCain. Obama is currently in the lead there.” Did you learn anything from the election in 2000? Anderson Cooper at CNN even started asking about it. “I notice we’re completely contradicting ourselves. Are we insane?” And then, as if to answer his own question, this is true, he did an interview with a hologram.
4. A new study says that left-handed people tend to be more anxious and shy than right-handers. Maybe because they fear shaking hands. [Act out awkwardness of left hander reaching out to shake hands.]
5. An original sketch of Winnie the Pooh sold for twice its estimated value today. The sketch was not featured in the actual children’s books, because, well, take a look. [Show sketch of Pooh reaching into a pot, and inside the pot are car keys.] It’s a key party.
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