1. The military has developed a new camera that can be shot out of a grenade launcher. My dad might have been interested in that. “[female voice] Honey, call the kids over for a photo.” “[male voice] No need!” [Mime shouldering a bazooka.]
2. Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.
3. Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.
4. The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of shortages of sailors, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance! [Wave to studio audience.] C’mon everyone! Let’s go invade Australia after the show!
5. Almost half of primary-care doctors say they want to see fewer patients or even stop practicing entirely, and a big reason is frustration with insurance companies. I think this is actually what the insurance companies want. The ideal situation for them is everyone has to buy insurance, but there aren’t any doctors to see anymore.
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