BEST OF THE WEEK

Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.

A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.

A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”

[On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”

This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.

Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.

President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.

Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.

There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.

So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.