BEST OF THE WEEK

Nigeria’s only satellite has been taken offline. As you may know, the Nigerian satellite was originally launched to help distribute e-mails around the world. The program ran out of money when an amazing business deal with the wife of an ex-general mysteriously fell through.

There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.

A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.

Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.

“Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.

Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.

Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?

There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.

Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.

Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.

Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.

President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.