11/21

1. Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.

2. The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.

3. A new intelligence report by the government says that the United States’ global dominance will diminish in the next two decades. Of course, this follows intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, North Korea didn’t have nuclear weapons, and the Soviet Union was doing [okay sign] juuust fiiine the day before it completely collapsed. So maybe they’re trying to use reverse psychology.

4. Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.

5. The body of Copernicus, who first proposed that the Earth goes around the Sun, has been discovered. Historians believe that he was murdered by some ancient leader named Saranus Palinus.