11/25

1. A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.

2. A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.

3. Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.

4. Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.

5. The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.