BEST OF THE WEEK

Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about all of his ideas. Well, technically, it’s more of a pamphlet. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st! That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”.

Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.

Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.

The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of a shortage of activity, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance!

There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”

Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”

A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”

Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.

Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?

President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.

A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.