BEST OF THE WEEK

Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.

Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers also called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.

A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.

The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.

A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.

Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.

The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.

Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.

The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.

Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.