1. The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is now eco-friendly. Apparently it uses the same energy as 10 toasters. And another light display in Manhattan uses the same energy as three toasters. Which makes me wonder, when did toasters become the slackers of the appliance world? Maybe that’s why my toast always comes out burned. The poor little guy’s just trying to prove himself to me.
2. An essay used by a six-year-old girl to win Hannah Montana tickets has been exposed as fake. The essay apparently began: “I am a single mother of four.”
3. In New Hampshire, Senator John McCain has swept the voting -- of newspaper editors. Of course, newspapers want to sell copies more than anything else, so if they got to decide the president, they’d probably go with Michael Jackson.
4. A mysterious giant container washed up in a bay in England, causing rampant speculation until it was then discovered to be a beer tank. They figured it out when the schools of fish in the bay began forming fraternities.
5. Russia was worried that if it sent some paintings to Britain, the descendents of the original owners might try to claim them. Then it remembered: “Oh yeah, these guys invented stolen artwork at the British Museum! They’re not going to do anything.”
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
12/19
1. An active glacier has now been found on Mars, which might finally inspire a manned mission to Mars, because now the cruise ship industry is going to be behind it.
2. Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. The competition would have been closer, but all of Putin’s opponents for the award were recently found dead.
3. Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
4. Rapper 50 Cent has just performed a sold-out show in Kosovo, saying: “I know exactly what happens when the guns come out.” The Kosovars then shot him.
5. A new study says training is more important for racehorses than genes. The study was funded by all the male horses that don’t get to have sex with thousands of fillies a year.
2. Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. The competition would have been closer, but all of Putin’s opponents for the award were recently found dead.
3. Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
4. Rapper 50 Cent has just performed a sold-out show in Kosovo, saying: “I know exactly what happens when the guns come out.” The Kosovars then shot him.
5. A new study says training is more important for racehorses than genes. The study was funded by all the male horses that don’t get to have sex with thousands of fillies a year.
Friday, December 7, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
The video game maker Activision is merging with the online game giant Blizzard, to form the largest conglomeration of middle-aged virgins the world has ever seen. The new company will be known as Actizard.
The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
12/7
1. The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
2. Venezuela has created its own time zone, permanently turning back the clock half an hour. This will soon be followed by Hugo Chavez permanently turning back the calendar to 1954, when Fidel Castro came to power.
2. Venezuela has created its own time zone, permanently turning back the clock half an hour. This will soon be followed by Hugo Chavez permanently turning back the calendar to 1954, when Fidel Castro came to power.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12/6
1. The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
2. The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
3. Cancer tests around the world have been delayed, because a Canadian nuclear reactor that helps make them has been shut down. Great, they can shut down Canadian reactors, but not North Korean ones.
4. The president of France is going to help mediate between the Colombian government and rebels, after Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez quit and suspended ties with Colombia. Are we going to see another Freedom Fries event?
5. Anthropologists in Italy have unearthed a skeleton that is believed to show evidence of tuberculosis 500,000 years ago. It is the third fastest correct diagnosis of TB in history.
2. The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
3. Cancer tests around the world have been delayed, because a Canadian nuclear reactor that helps make them has been shut down. Great, they can shut down Canadian reactors, but not North Korean ones.
4. The president of France is going to help mediate between the Colombian government and rebels, after Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez quit and suspended ties with Colombia. Are we going to see another Freedom Fries event?
5. Anthropologists in Italy have unearthed a skeleton that is believed to show evidence of tuberculosis 500,000 years ago. It is the third fastest correct diagnosis of TB in history.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
12/5
1. As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
2. Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
3. An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
2. Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
3. An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
12/4
1. People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
2. In Thailand, the king is celebrating his 80th birthday. His health has often been questioned, but since his family is clearly related to the Munsters, death will not be an obstacle.
3. Despite a UN report that says Iran is not making nuclear weapons right now, President Bush maintains that they are a threat, simply because they maintain a large supply of radioactive material and have threatened to wipe Israel off the face of the planet. Pshaw!
2. In Thailand, the king is celebrating his 80th birthday. His health has often been questioned, but since his family is clearly related to the Munsters, death will not be an obstacle.
3. Despite a UN report that says Iran is not making nuclear weapons right now, President Bush maintains that they are a threat, simply because they maintain a large supply of radioactive material and have threatened to wipe Israel off the face of the planet. Pshaw!
Monday, December 3, 2007
12/3
1. A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
2. A new study says that chimpanzees have been shown to have far better photographic memories than humans. More proof that if you’re going to get robbed, have a chimp there.
3. A new UN intelligence report about Iran says that the country stopped developing nuclear weapons in 2003. Are these the same people that told us Pakistan, India, and North Korea weren’t developing nuclear weapons?
4. Mitt Romney is going to give a speech addressing his Mormonism. He may have trouble reading the teleprompter, though, because he recently lost his magic spectacles.
2. A new study says that chimpanzees have been shown to have far better photographic memories than humans. More proof that if you’re going to get robbed, have a chimp there.
3. A new UN intelligence report about Iran says that the country stopped developing nuclear weapons in 2003. Are these the same people that told us Pakistan, India, and North Korea weren’t developing nuclear weapons?
4. Mitt Romney is going to give a speech addressing his Mormonism. He may have trouble reading the teleprompter, though, because he recently lost his magic spectacles.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
12/2
1. The video game maker Activision is merging with the online game giant Blizzard, to form the largest conglomeration of middle-aged virgins the world has ever seen. The new company will be known as Actizard.
2. In a surprising turn in the Russian elections, the party of Vladimir Putin, which controls all the major television networks, radio stations, and newspapers, has… won. Was anyone else even running? Apparently people voting for Putin’s party in St. Petersburg were entered in a lottery to win prizes. We’ve seen how that worked for MTV.
3. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has lost an attempt to reform the Constitution by a narrow 2% margin. In a surprise turn of events, he didn’t blame George Bush.
2. In a surprising turn in the Russian elections, the party of Vladimir Putin, which controls all the major television networks, radio stations, and newspapers, has… won. Was anyone else even running? Apparently people voting for Putin’s party in St. Petersburg were entered in a lottery to win prizes. We’ve seen how that worked for MTV.
3. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has lost an attempt to reform the Constitution by a narrow 2% margin. In a surprise turn of events, he didn’t blame George Bush.
Friday, November 30, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
In Ireland, a man stole 36,000 pints of Guinness beer. But although that’s a lot of Guinness, it was apparently not the world record. Police later caught the man visiting the world’s largest urinal.
In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
Priests in Cyprus are praying for divine intervention to stop a drought. But isn’t the drought divine intervention? God seems to be intervening to kill you off. What do you think is going to change that?
Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
Hugo Chavez urged Venezuelans to strike a blow against dictatorship and corruption by… voting to let him be president for life.
The new Australian prime minister was kicked out of a New York City strip club a few months ago for unruly behavior (true). Now he’s chosen a former rock star to be part of his cabinet. I hear the next cabinet position is going to Charlie Sheen.
McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
Murders in New York City are on track to be the lowest-ever since they started keeping track. Either that, or people are getting way better at hiding the bodies.
A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
Priests in Cyprus are praying for divine intervention to stop a drought. But isn’t the drought divine intervention? God seems to be intervening to kill you off. What do you think is going to change that?
Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
Hugo Chavez urged Venezuelans to strike a blow against dictatorship and corruption by… voting to let him be president for life.
The new Australian prime minister was kicked out of a New York City strip club a few months ago for unruly behavior (true). Now he’s chosen a former rock star to be part of his cabinet. I hear the next cabinet position is going to Charlie Sheen.
McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
Murders in New York City are on track to be the lowest-ever since they started keeping track. Either that, or people are getting way better at hiding the bodies.
A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
11/30
1. Hugo Chavez urged Venezuelans to strike a blow against dictatorship and corruption by… voting to let him be president for life.
2. President Bush wants to double the aid for AIDS. He said, “We need to double AIDS over the next five years. I mean, we need to double the aid for AIDS, you know, instead of just having… parades.”
3. Two Muslim politicians from Britain are going to Sudan to try to free the woman convicted of letting her students name a teddy bear after Muhammad. One of them is the Conservative shadow minister. That sounds pretty creepy, doesn’t it? It sounds like she’s going to appear one night in the Sudanese president’s bedroom with a troll and a dwarf.
4. Evel Knievel died today, and in his honor, I’d like to do something I’ve never done before. (@@@ walks over to desk, climbs on top.) Staff member: “No! Don’t do it!” @@@: “I will, damn it! No one can tell me what my limits are!” (Then, @@@ jumps from desk onto couch, and then to floor, raising his hands in triumph.)
5. A senior Mafia leader in Italy was arrested while watching the last episode of a TV series about a former Mafia boss. It reminds me of the time I admitted that I cheated on my wife while watching an episode of “Survivor”.
2. President Bush wants to double the aid for AIDS. He said, “We need to double AIDS over the next five years. I mean, we need to double the aid for AIDS, you know, instead of just having… parades.”
3. Two Muslim politicians from Britain are going to Sudan to try to free the woman convicted of letting her students name a teddy bear after Muhammad. One of them is the Conservative shadow minister. That sounds pretty creepy, doesn’t it? It sounds like she’s going to appear one night in the Sudanese president’s bedroom with a troll and a dwarf.
4. Evel Knievel died today, and in his honor, I’d like to do something I’ve never done before. (@@@ walks over to desk, climbs on top.) Staff member: “No! Don’t do it!” @@@: “I will, damn it! No one can tell me what my limits are!” (Then, @@@ jumps from desk onto couch, and then to floor, raising his hands in triumph.)
5. A senior Mafia leader in Italy was arrested while watching the last episode of a TV series about a former Mafia boss. It reminds me of the time I admitted that I cheated on my wife while watching an episode of “Survivor”.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
11/29
1. In Ireland, a man stole 36,000 pints of Guinness beer. But although that’s a lot of Guinness, it was apparently not the world record. Police later caught the man visiting the world’s largest urinal.
2. In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
3. In Sudan, a teacher has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammed. When an enemy like Sudan does this, the White House officially calls it an “outrage”. However, when Saudi Arabia, a friend, sentenced a gang-rape victim to 200 lashes and six months in prison, the White House called it “astounding”. For most people, “astounding” comes before “outrage”, but not for the Bush Administration.
4. Scientists have discovered a species of antelope in Africa in which the females pursue the males with aggression, while the males are more choosy with their mates. Fox Television has already negotiated with the antelopes to produce a reality show on their lives.
5. A riot broke out in Tibet when two monks were arrested for robbing a motorcycle shop. Fellow monks and their supporters then went on a rampage. Eventually, the monks went home, because this was the most work they’d done in years.
2. In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
3. In Sudan, a teacher has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammed. When an enemy like Sudan does this, the White House officially calls it an “outrage”. However, when Saudi Arabia, a friend, sentenced a gang-rape victim to 200 lashes and six months in prison, the White House called it “astounding”. For most people, “astounding” comes before “outrage”, but not for the Bush Administration.
4. Scientists have discovered a species of antelope in Africa in which the females pursue the males with aggression, while the males are more choosy with their mates. Fox Television has already negotiated with the antelopes to produce a reality show on their lives.
5. A riot broke out in Tibet when two monks were arrested for robbing a motorcycle shop. Fellow monks and their supporters then went on a rampage. Eventually, the monks went home, because this was the most work they’d done in years.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
11/28
1. The new Australian prime minister was kicked out of a New York City strip club a few months ago for unruly behavior (true). Now he’s chosen a former rock star to be part of his cabinet. I hear the next cabinet position is going to Charlie Sheen.
2. McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
3. The Republican candidates held a debate with questions from YouTube last night. First up was Edna Ferger from Duluth, Minnesota, who asked why the hell kids were spending all their time on the internet.
4. The stagehand union on Broadway has ended its strike. So for all you people who had to miss Legally Blonde and sadly compensated by coming to my show instead -- sorry. A day late and a dollar short.
5. China refused to allow US Navy ships to dock in Hong Kong for Thanksgiving. I think they might be taking a lesson from Native Americans. Sure, you’re having a big friendly meal with us now, but just wait a few years.
2. McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
3. The Republican candidates held a debate with questions from YouTube last night. First up was Edna Ferger from Duluth, Minnesota, who asked why the hell kids were spending all their time on the internet.
4. The stagehand union on Broadway has ended its strike. So for all you people who had to miss Legally Blonde and sadly compensated by coming to my show instead -- sorry. A day late and a dollar short.
5. China refused to allow US Navy ships to dock in Hong Kong for Thanksgiving. I think they might be taking a lesson from Native Americans. Sure, you’re having a big friendly meal with us now, but just wait a few years.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
11/27
1. Priests in Cyprus are praying for divine intervention to stop a drought. But isn’t the drought divine intervention? God seems to be intervening to kill you off. What do you think is going to change that?
2. Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
3. More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
4. Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
5. A judge in Niagara Falls was fined because he jailed an entire courtroom audience when no one would admit owning a ringing cell phone. However, the fine was balanced by a huge prize from the National Association of People Who Just Want Some Goddamn Quiet.
2. Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
3. More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
4. Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
5. A judge in Niagara Falls was fined because he jailed an entire courtroom audience when no one would admit owning a ringing cell phone. However, the fine was balanced by a huge prize from the National Association of People Who Just Want Some Goddamn Quiet.
Monday, November 26, 2007
11/26
1. Murders in New York City are on track to be the lowest-ever since they started keeping track. Either that, or people are getting way better at hiding the bodies.
2. A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
3. An ancient Roman road map is now on display. The rest stops on the map are only for food and lodging, because back then, gas was pretty much the same as food.
4. A beauty pageant contestant in Puerto Rico had her clothes covered with pepper spray. Then police discovered the pepper spray was to keep fetishists from stealing her clothes.
5. A court in Saudi Arabia sentenced a woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison, after she was gang-raped. The White House officially said the sentence was “astounding”. I’m not sure why, since you got tutored by one of Saudi Arabia’s princes.
2. A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
3. An ancient Roman road map is now on display. The rest stops on the map are only for food and lodging, because back then, gas was pretty much the same as food.
4. A beauty pageant contestant in Puerto Rico had her clothes covered with pepper spray. Then police discovered the pepper spray was to keep fetishists from stealing her clothes.
5. A court in Saudi Arabia sentenced a woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison, after she was gang-raped. The White House officially said the sentence was “astounding”. I’m not sure why, since you got tutored by one of Saudi Arabia’s princes.
Monday, November 5, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
China has approved new rules to improve food standards in the country. From now on, Chinese factories that sell food must actually put food in their products.
A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
Eating compounds known as flavonoids cuts the risk of heart disease. I love the name “flavonoid”. It sounds like a flavor-loving nerd from New Jersey -- “flavonoid”.
Couples in conservative Muslim societies are using cell phones for secret romance. Popular text messages include: “You make me burn hotter than an American flag.” and “You have nice eyes”, because that’s all they can see.
The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
Eating compounds known as flavonoids cuts the risk of heart disease. I love the name “flavonoid”. It sounds like a flavor-loving nerd from New Jersey -- “flavonoid”.
Couples in conservative Muslim societies are using cell phones for secret romance. Popular text messages include: “You make me burn hotter than an American flag.” and “You have nice eyes”, because that’s all they can see.
The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
11/5
1. King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
2. The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
3. A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
4. Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
5. As many as half a million homes have been damaged or destroyed by floods in Mexico, but fortunately, the floods aren’t in Cancun, so your vacation plans are still okay!
2. The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
3. A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
4. Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
5. As many as half a million homes have been damaged or destroyed by floods in Mexico, but fortunately, the floods aren’t in Cancun, so your vacation plans are still okay!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
11/1
1. China has approved new rules to improve food standards in the country. From now on, Chinese factories that sell food must actually put food in their products.
2. The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
3. Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
4. A prisoner in Belgium has been caught after escaping with a helicopter on the roof of the prison. He was caught in a motorcycle showroom, probably inquiring about any steep closed bridges to fully complete the action movie motif.
5. Google is now offering social-networking tools can be used across several different websites, making it even easier to stay locked in your room all day.
2. The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
3. Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
4. A prisoner in Belgium has been caught after escaping with a helicopter on the roof of the prison. He was caught in a motorcycle showroom, probably inquiring about any steep closed bridges to fully complete the action movie motif.
5. Google is now offering social-networking tools can be used across several different websites, making it even easier to stay locked in your room all day.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
10/31
1. A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
2. An artist has carved a naked chocolate Jesus in New York City. He said that like Jesus coming down from the cross, it would be a little sticky and surrounded by women.
3. A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
4. According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
5. The cabin crews of Air France are on strike. Passengers are now free to move around the cabin.
2. An artist has carved a naked chocolate Jesus in New York City. He said that like Jesus coming down from the cross, it would be a little sticky and surrounded by women.
3. A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
4. According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
5. The cabin crews of Air France are on strike. Passengers are now free to move around the cabin.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
10/30
1. The Foreign Minister of Great Britain said that his country and Saudi Arabia could unite over their shared values. For example, they both maintain an embarrassing royal family, vacation in Spain, and have soccer teams full of players from other countries.
2. Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
3. Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
4. A ship near Somalia was taken over by pirates yesterday. Officials say they’re still trying to find out what the pirates’ demands are. My money is on… well, money.
5. A company in Great Britain is going to produce black pudding ice cream. Yum, sounds tasty, until you discover that black pudding is dried pig blood. Another triumph for British cooking! From the people who brought you fried fish in a greasy newspaper, comes a dessert that tastes even more disgusting than the main course.
2. Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
3. Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
4. A ship near Somalia was taken over by pirates yesterday. Officials say they’re still trying to find out what the pirates’ demands are. My money is on… well, money.
5. A company in Great Britain is going to produce black pudding ice cream. Yum, sounds tasty, until you discover that black pudding is dried pig blood. Another triumph for British cooking! From the people who brought you fried fish in a greasy newspaper, comes a dessert that tastes even more disgusting than the main course.
Monday, October 29, 2007
10/29
1. The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
2. Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
3. Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
4. The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
5. A clam between the ages of 405 and 410 years old has just been found. It is the oldest living creature ever discovered, as long as you count the members of the Rolling Stones individually.
2. Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
3. Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
4. The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
5. A clam between the ages of 405 and 410 years old has just been found. It is the oldest living creature ever discovered, as long as you count the members of the Rolling Stones individually.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
10/27
1. Prostitutes in Bolivia have sewn their lips together to protest their brothels being closed. And if the brothels don’t open soon, they might sew their mouths shut too.
2. A kid in Georgia was finally freed from prison today. When he was 17, he had oral sex with a 15-year-old and got sentenced to 10 years. Jesus, who was the judge? Her father?
3. Apple Computers is launching a new computer system called Leopard. They got the idea by watching people run off with their iPods. “Man, that guy is fast as a leopard! Hey…”
4. The Nintendo Wii is going to start selling in China. Experts say the most popular game is probably going to be “Beating Unarmed Protesters II”.
5. Ex-president Estrada of the Philippines has now been released. Man, I’d been wondering what Erik Estrada had been doing after all these years.
2. A kid in Georgia was finally freed from prison today. When he was 17, he had oral sex with a 15-year-old and got sentenced to 10 years. Jesus, who was the judge? Her father?
3. Apple Computers is launching a new computer system called Leopard. They got the idea by watching people run off with their iPods. “Man, that guy is fast as a leopard! Hey…”
4. The Nintendo Wii is going to start selling in China. Experts say the most popular game is probably going to be “Beating Unarmed Protesters II”.
5. Ex-president Estrada of the Philippines has now been released. Man, I’d been wondering what Erik Estrada had been doing after all these years.
Friday, October 26, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after their honeymoon in Brazil. Actually, I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
An unknown person dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired, over and over again, by the green beer, that I decided to rediscover some snow by coloring it yellow.
Many headlines today read “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
A new study says that liking garlic and coffee is heavily genetic. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR PATH! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There were more people on stage than in the audience.
A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get you out of a ticket there.
A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to a more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
An unknown person dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired, over and over again, by the green beer, that I decided to rediscover some snow by coloring it yellow.
Many headlines today read “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
A new study says that liking garlic and coffee is heavily genetic. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR PATH! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There were more people on stage than in the audience.
A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get you out of a ticket there.
A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to a more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
10/26
1. A new poll shows that a third of Americans consider themselves extremely stressed. Most of them are the people who have to go around taking polls about whether people are stressed.
2. A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
3. A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
4. There’s a new postage stamp with Yoda on it. But wouldn’t Yoda know that people use the internet these days?
5. The president of France says that commercial planting of genetically modified foods will be banned. So I guess it’s okay if you give it away.
2. A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
3. A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
4. There’s a new postage stamp with Yoda on it. But wouldn’t Yoda know that people use the internet these days?
5. The president of France says that commercial planting of genetically modified foods will be banned. So I guess it’s okay if you give it away.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25
1. The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get out of a ticket there.
2. An artist dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired over and over again by the green beer, that I decided to dye the snow in my front yard yellow.
3. A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
4. Two dating artists in Croatia broke up, and being apparently totally crazy, decided to turn their break-up into art. They travel around and ask people to contribute objects from failed relationships. If my ex ever contributed something, I think it should be… my soul. No, I mean the sole of my shoe. She gnawed it off as I was going out the door.
5. A digital scan of the Mona Lisa shows that she originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. In the end, Leonardo apparently preferred Smoothies.
2. An artist dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired over and over again by the green beer, that I decided to dye the snow in my front yard yellow.
3. A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
4. Two dating artists in Croatia broke up, and being apparently totally crazy, decided to turn their break-up into art. They travel around and ask people to contribute objects from failed relationships. If my ex ever contributed something, I think it should be… my soul. No, I mean the sole of my shoe. She gnawed it off as I was going out the door.
5. A digital scan of the Mona Lisa shows that she originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. In the end, Leonardo apparently preferred Smoothies.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
10/24
1. A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
2. China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
3. A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
4. A chemical in broccoli may prevent sun-related skin cancer when applied to the skin. “I don’t like broccoli, mom!” “Don’t worry, I’m just going to rub it on your skin.”
5. The rates of obesity in the rest of the world, except for East and South Asia, are now catching up to the United States. So you know what that means -- we have to eat more! We have to stay number one! More Baconators! Have you heard that slogan over at Wendy’s? “You get what you deserve at Wendy’s.” Yes, you certainly do.
2. China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
3. A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
4. A chemical in broccoli may prevent sun-related skin cancer when applied to the skin. “I don’t like broccoli, mom!” “Don’t worry, I’m just going to rub it on your skin.”
5. The rates of obesity in the rest of the world, except for East and South Asia, are now catching up to the United States. So you know what that means -- we have to eat more! We have to stay number one! More Baconators! Have you heard that slogan over at Wendy’s? “You get what you deserve at Wendy’s.” Yes, you certainly do.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
10/23
1. You might have seen the headlines that said “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
2. Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, recently cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
3. A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after returning from their honeymoon in Brazil. I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
4. A new study says that the foods with the strongest link between liking them and genes were garlic and coffee. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
5. Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
2. Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, recently cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
3. A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after returning from their honeymoon in Brazil. I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
4. A new study says that the foods with the strongest link between liking them and genes were garlic and coffee. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
5. Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
Monday, October 22, 2007
10/22
1. New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and everything else in their path! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There are more people on stage than in the audience.
2. In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
3. The fast food chain Wendy’s dropped its “Biggie” name last year, because for some reason, people were associating five hundred gallons of soda with being overweight.
4. The Pope has said that religion should not become a “vehicle for hatred”. Well then you’d better take those gun turrets off the Popemobile. Put some suede upholstery in the back and a little Barry White on the stereo. Make the Popemobile a “vehicle of love”.
5. JK Rowling has admitted that Dumbledore, the wizard from the Harry Potter books, is gay. He fell in love with a dark and tortured figure from his past, who lived in a pineapple under the sea. Yes, he was in love with SpongeBob SquarePants.
2. In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
3. The fast food chain Wendy’s dropped its “Biggie” name last year, because for some reason, people were associating five hundred gallons of soda with being overweight.
4. The Pope has said that religion should not become a “vehicle for hatred”. Well then you’d better take those gun turrets off the Popemobile. Put some suede upholstery in the back and a little Barry White on the stereo. Make the Popemobile a “vehicle of love”.
5. JK Rowling has admitted that Dumbledore, the wizard from the Harry Potter books, is gay. He fell in love with a dark and tortured figure from his past, who lived in a pineapple under the sea. Yes, he was in love with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
10/20
1. Senator Christopher Dodd has put his name on the presidential ballot in New Hampshire, which is good for him, because you probably don’t know this, but he’s been running for president.
2. Italy has just banned a fashion ad for featuring an anorexic. But doesn‘t that mean that they’ve just banned all fashion ads?
3. The FBI has raided the Las Vegas warehouse of magician David Copperfield. But of course, considering this is David Copperfield, his Las Vegas warehouse was actually in Milwaukee.
4. More and more companies are starting “no e-mail” days to help workers cope with the deluge of e-mail that they receive. This is similar to the “no pants” day at my office.
5. The dollar continues to hit new lows against other currencies. The euro, the yen, the Canadian dollar. In Nepal, the dollar is now only worth two yaks. But unlike yaks, dollars still don’t eat your furniture, so you’ll save in the long run.
2. Italy has just banned a fashion ad for featuring an anorexic. But doesn‘t that mean that they’ve just banned all fashion ads?
3. The FBI has raided the Las Vegas warehouse of magician David Copperfield. But of course, considering this is David Copperfield, his Las Vegas warehouse was actually in Milwaukee.
4. More and more companies are starting “no e-mail” days to help workers cope with the deluge of e-mail that they receive. This is similar to the “no pants” day at my office.
5. The dollar continues to hit new lows against other currencies. The euro, the yen, the Canadian dollar. In Nepal, the dollar is now only worth two yaks. But unlike yaks, dollars still don’t eat your furniture, so you’ll save in the long run.
Friday, October 19, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
Police say that Delta Airline baggage handlers have been caught smuggling heroin and cocaine. Police became suspicious when several baggage handlers were filmed treating suitcases carefully and respectfully.
A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
The operator of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in their goals. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies.
Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, he simply turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma, which is the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
A new study says you can get sick by making your bed. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting graffiti on refrigerators across the city.
Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means my old record has been completely shattered.
A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life in exchange for a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed inside.
Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
The operator of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in their goals. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies.
Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, he simply turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma, which is the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
A new study says you can get sick by making your bed. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting graffiti on refrigerators across the city.
Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means my old record has been completely shattered.
A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life in exchange for a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed inside.
Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
10/19
1. A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life for returning a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
2. A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed into cargo holds.
3. Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
4. John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
5. Atlanta, Georgia apparently has only 85 days of drinking water left. So tonight, every ounce that the audience sweats is going to be gathered and shipped south. No thanks necessary, Atlanta. We’re all in this together.
2. A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed into cargo holds.
3. Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
4. John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
5. Atlanta, Georgia apparently has only 85 days of drinking water left. So tonight, every ounce that the audience sweats is going to be gathered and shipped south. No thanks necessary, Atlanta. We’re all in this together.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
10/18
1. Police say that Delta Airline baggage handlers have been caught smuggling heroin and cocaine. Police became suspicious when several baggage handlers were filmed treating suitcases carefully and respectfully.
2. A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
3. The pilot of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That also happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
4. Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in policy. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
5. An art museum in Russia is planning a statue dedicated to ex-president Boris Yeltsin, It is being called the “biomorphic black monster”, which coincidentally, is also the nickname for Yeltsin’s hair.
2. A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
3. The pilot of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That also happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
4. Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in policy. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
5. An art museum in Russia is planning a statue dedicated to ex-president Boris Yeltsin, It is being called the “biomorphic black monster”, which coincidentally, is also the nickname for Yeltsin’s hair.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
10/17
1. A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies!
2. Some scientists say the part of garlic that causes bad breath also helps keep blood flowing smoothly. Maybe because the blood just wants to get away from the smell. It also keeps vampires away, which really keeps blood circulating.
3. Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, Putin turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
4. A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
5. Some scientists say laptop computers might damage male fertility, because the heat warms the testicles too much. A similar study found that hot baths did the same thing. And what really harms fertility is working on laptops while sitting in hot baths, because then you’re dead.
2. Some scientists say the part of garlic that causes bad breath also helps keep blood flowing smoothly. Maybe because the blood just wants to get away from the smell. It also keeps vampires away, which really keeps blood circulating.
3. Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, Putin turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
4. A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
5. Some scientists say laptop computers might damage male fertility, because the heat warms the testicles too much. A similar study found that hot baths did the same thing. And what really harms fertility is working on laptops while sitting in hot baths, because then you’re dead.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
10/16
1. People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
2. Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
3. A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
4. A new study says not making beds can make you healthier. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
5. A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting “graffiti” on refrigerators across the country.
2. Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
3. A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
4. A new study says not making beds can make you healthier. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
5. A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting “graffiti” on refrigerators across the country.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
10/13
1. Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means that my old record has been completely shattered.
2. Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma. This has been the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
3. The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but I think maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
4. A Hindu festival in India is being sued by JK Rowling for building a Harry Potter display. Hindu? Isn’t that like a Catholic church bake sale having a big display from “1,001 Arabian Nights”?
5. Scientists believe that tiger stripes on one of Saturn’s moons might indicate a liquid ocean beneath the icy exterior. They’ve also conjectured the same from some tiger-stripe pants seen on Hillary Clinton.
2. Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma. This has been the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
3. The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but I think maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
4. A Hindu festival in India is being sued by JK Rowling for building a Harry Potter display. Hindu? Isn’t that like a Catholic church bake sale having a big display from “1,001 Arabian Nights”?
5. Scientists believe that tiger stripes on one of Saturn’s moons might indicate a liquid ocean beneath the icy exterior. They’ve also conjectured the same from some tiger-stripe pants seen on Hillary Clinton.
Friday, October 12, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
This week, a politician in Ohio, Matthew Barrett, gave a slide show at a high school and accidentally put up nude pictures of women. He claims to not know how the pictures got in his computer, but look at his photo. This is obviously a man watching a lot of naked women. He looks like he’s looking at one right now. That’s also the same expression the kids had when the pictures went up. Barrett’s computer was supposed to contain graphics on how bills become laws -- just not quite SO graphic. This incident will probably lead to new laws itself, so it was sort of a real-life lesson. Afterwards, Barrett actually said: “It took me probably a second or so to look at it and say, ‘That’s not the Power Point.’” His wife later agreed that he had trouble identifying a woman’s power point.
Doctors in Australia recently saved a man with an IV drip of pure vodka. Yes, in Australia, that’s a medical technique known as ‘breakfast’.
Two men in California were found guilty of killing an ostrich because it wounded their male pride. Yes, as opposed to going to prison for killing an ostrich. And I’m sure their fellow prisoners are going to be veeeery respectful of their male pride.
The iconic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
In Louisiana, an 11-year-old boy and his parents were arrested after the boy led police on a car chase. The chase only paused when he stopped at Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
Scientists have announced the first species ever created in a lab. A previous claim was discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it in a river.
A chemist has won the Nobel Prize for showing how particles of gas behave when they land on solid surfaces. Badly, is my guess. Gases have a hard time settling down after their wild days of floating around without a care. He also earned an extra award for getting the particles to go to bed early.
A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping with seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with priests for just doing a little diddly with altar boys…
A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Well, except for the 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
The maker of the Halo video games is breaking away from Microsoft. This is the first time anyone has tried to break away from Microsoft since the clip below.
10/12
1. A chemist has won the Nobel Prize for showing how particles of gas behave when they land on solid surfaces. Badly, is my guess. Gases have a hard time settling down after their wild days of floating around without a care. He also earned an extra award for getting the particles to go to bed early.
2. A Mexican politician has been accused of cheating in a marathon. A marathon? Not voter fraud or killing unarmed civilians? This is a great day for Mexican politics.
3. A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it into a river.
4. An Australian man has grafted a human ear into his arm for the sake of art. This is obviously a man who is not trying to pick up women anymore. At a certain point, you just say: “Fuck it. Put an ear on my arm.”
5. [photo] The nation of Belarus is going to develop a nuclear plant. Can we get a picture of Belarus president Lukashenko? Is he trying to look like Hitler? Is this the look you want when trying to soothe the fears of other countries?
2. A Mexican politician has been accused of cheating in a marathon. A marathon? Not voter fraud or killing unarmed civilians? This is a great day for Mexican politics.
3. A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it into a river.
4. An Australian man has grafted a human ear into his arm for the sake of art. This is obviously a man who is not trying to pick up women anymore. At a certain point, you just say: “Fuck it. Put an ear on my arm.”
5. [photo] The nation of Belarus is going to develop a nuclear plant. Can we get a picture of Belarus president Lukashenko? Is he trying to look like Hitler? Is this the look you want when trying to soothe the fears of other countries?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
10/11
1. Doctors in Australia recently saved a man with an IV drip of pure vodka. Yes, in Australia, that’s a medical technique known as ‘breakfast’.
2. A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with Catholic priests for just doing a little diddly with the altar boys…
3. A dinosaur footprint has been found in Montana that may have belonged to Tyrannosaurus Rex. So now we have bones and a footprint. It’s time to get a search warrant. He’s got little arms and a big mouth. No, he’s not a rapper.
4. Mother moose come to human settlements because there are fewer bears. A similar event happens here at NBC, with pregnant audience members clustering near our set, because it’s relatively free of Today Show predators. Oh wait! [Have a Today Show member emerge from a door and approach a pregnant audience member, and then Late Night staff beat him away.]
5. The new commander of the International Space Station has been given a whip as a gift before going up. I wonder how that makes the other astronauts feel?
2. A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with Catholic priests for just doing a little diddly with the altar boys…
3. A dinosaur footprint has been found in Montana that may have belonged to Tyrannosaurus Rex. So now we have bones and a footprint. It’s time to get a search warrant. He’s got little arms and a big mouth. No, he’s not a rapper.
4. Mother moose come to human settlements because there are fewer bears. A similar event happens here at NBC, with pregnant audience members clustering near our set, because it’s relatively free of Today Show predators. Oh wait! [Have a Today Show member emerge from a door and approach a pregnant audience member, and then Late Night staff beat him away.]
5. The new commander of the International Space Station has been given a whip as a gift before going up. I wonder how that makes the other astronauts feel?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
10/10
1. The governor of New York is thinking of giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Which means if you thought there were a lot of taxis now… Have you ever been approached by a gypsy cab? “Hey, get in the car. I’m a taxi.” “Really? So am I. Get on my back.” What? Who the hell are you? Why should I trust you? People who would never hitchhike are willing to get into these things. And they always drive these cars that look like they’re renting them from mafia hit men. “So, do you want to ride up front or in the trunk?”
2. A blue diamond sold for a record $7.98 million, which was the most ever paid for an almond.
3. Scientists now say that a bad marriage can increase the risk of heart disease. But drinking can reduce the risk of heart disease. However, drinking can also increase the risk of a bad marriage, which can increase the risk of heart disease. Fortunately, running in circles also reduces the risk of heart disease, so you’ll be okay in the end.
4. The Nobel Prize in Medicine has gone to scientists for developing a new type of gene therapy. And psychiatrists say the therapy is still going very well for Gene Simmons.
5. A new art exhibit has opened up in the Tate Gallery of London, featuring a giant crack that extends the entire length of the gallery. The crack can be viewed from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., when the plumber goes home.
2. A blue diamond sold for a record $7.98 million, which was the most ever paid for an almond.
3. Scientists now say that a bad marriage can increase the risk of heart disease. But drinking can reduce the risk of heart disease. However, drinking can also increase the risk of a bad marriage, which can increase the risk of heart disease. Fortunately, running in circles also reduces the risk of heart disease, so you’ll be okay in the end.
4. The Nobel Prize in Medicine has gone to scientists for developing a new type of gene therapy. And psychiatrists say the therapy is still going very well for Gene Simmons.
5. A new art exhibit has opened up in the Tate Gallery of London, featuring a giant crack that extends the entire length of the gallery. The crack can be viewed from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., when the plumber goes home.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
10/9
1. Two men in California were found guilty of killing an ostrich because it wounded their male pride. Yes, as opposed to going to prison for killing an ostrich. And I’m sure their fellow prisoners are going to be veeeery respectful of their male pride.
2. A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Have they asked the people who got stunned? And “safe”… except for that whole 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
3. Celebrations of the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death are now being held in poster shops across the nation. Said one poster shop owner: “Without Che, I never would have afforded my beach house.”
4. Asia is getting its own internet domain called .asia. Most of the available sites were immediately taken over by China, but only the sites from Japan actually worked. No one has been able to access the sites from North Korea. And all the customer service sites went to India.
5. In Paris, five drunk people broke into a museum and punched a hole in a painting by Monet. They saw the name “Monet” and were trying to get at all the (French accent) “money” hidden behind it.
2. A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Have they asked the people who got stunned? And “safe”… except for that whole 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
3. Celebrations of the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death are now being held in poster shops across the nation. Said one poster shop owner: “Without Che, I never would have afforded my beach house.”
4. Asia is getting its own internet domain called .asia. Most of the available sites were immediately taken over by China, but only the sites from Japan actually worked. No one has been able to access the sites from North Korea. And all the customer service sites went to India.
5. In Paris, five drunk people broke into a museum and punched a hole in a painting by Monet. They saw the name “Monet” and were trying to get at all the (French accent) “money” hidden behind it.
Monday, October 8, 2007
10/8
1. [YouTube clip] The maker of the Halo video games is breaking away from Microsoft. This is the first time anyone has tried to break away from Microsoft since the clip above?
2. An 11-year-old boy and his parents in Louisiana have been arrested after he led police on a car chase. The chase briefly paused when the kid stopped at a Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
3. The first species ever created in a lab has been announced. A previous claim was later discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
4. Led Zeppelin fans may be refused entry to the reunion concert if they paid for the tickets using someone else’s credit card. This means a lot of grandmas might be there.
5. Many pregnant women are avoiding all seafood to avoid mercury poisoning. But now scientists say they should eat at least some seafood to get Omega-3 fatty acids. And other experts are saying no one should ever have any kids at all, because it’s just too complicated.
2. An 11-year-old boy and his parents in Louisiana have been arrested after he led police on a car chase. The chase briefly paused when the kid stopped at a Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
3. The first species ever created in a lab has been announced. A previous claim was later discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
4. Led Zeppelin fans may be refused entry to the reunion concert if they paid for the tickets using someone else’s credit card. This means a lot of grandmas might be there.
5. Many pregnant women are avoiding all seafood to avoid mercury poisoning. But now scientists say they should eat at least some seafood to get Omega-3 fatty acids. And other experts are saying no one should ever have any kids at all, because it’s just too complicated.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
10/6
1. [photo] This week, a state representative in Ohio, Matthew Barrett, gave a slide show at a high school and accidentally put up nude pictures of women. He claims that he doesn’t know how the pictures got in his computer, but look at his photo. This is obviously a man watching a lot of naked women. He looks like he’s looking at one right now. That’s also the same expression the kids had when the pictures went up. Barrett’s computer was supposed to contain graphics on how bills become laws -- just not quite SO graphic. This incident will probably lead to new laws itself, so it was sort of a real-life lesson. Afterwards, Barrett actually said: “It took me probably a second or so to look at it and say, ‘That’s not the Power Point.’” His wife later agreed that he had trouble identifying a woman’s power point.
2. The classic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
3. Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
4. Wall Street was happy to learn that the economy added 110,000 jobs in September. Unfortunately, all of them were connected to coverage of OJ Simpson.
5. President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
2. The classic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
3. Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
4. Wall Street was happy to learn that the economy added 110,000 jobs in September. Unfortunately, all of them were connected to coverage of OJ Simpson.
5. President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
Friday, October 5, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
Director Francis Ford Coppola’s new movie script was recently stolen. However, it could have been a far greater tragedy for cinema -- it could have been stolen 30 years ago, when he was still making good movies.
Why is China being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters? What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where suspicious fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What’s that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. And isn’t “Toronto Dominion” a scary name for a bank? “Toronto will take over you all!”
eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks. In fact, the number of young people getting older today is nearly one hundred percent.
In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
Why is China being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters? What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where suspicious fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What’s that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. And isn’t “Toronto Dominion” a scary name for a bank? “Toronto will take over you all!”
eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks. In fact, the number of young people getting older today is nearly one hundred percent.
In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
10/5
1. In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him for the role. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
2. Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
3. Kim Jong Il is saying that reports of him being sick are untrue. Instead, the man who actually claims that a new star appeared in the sky when he was born, revealed that he can bench press 500 pounds, fly, and has a penis so large it can be seen from outer space.
4. Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was just recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
5. A father in China has been training his 10-year-old daughter to swim the English Channel by tying her hand and feet together, then tossing her into a freezing river. He apparently believes that people get kidnapped a lot in England.
2. Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
3. Kim Jong Il is saying that reports of him being sick are untrue. Instead, the man who actually claims that a new star appeared in the sky when he was born, revealed that he can bench press 500 pounds, fly, and has a penis so large it can be seen from outer space.
4. Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was just recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
5. A father in China has been training his 10-year-old daughter to swim the English Channel by tying her hand and feet together, then tossing her into a freezing river. He apparently believes that people get kidnapped a lot in England.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
10/4
1. In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What is that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
2. A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
3. The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades while still offering “outstanding comfort”. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
4. Capsaicin, the chemical that makes chili peppers hot, is now being used as a pain-killer. Unfortunately, all the pain just gets saved up for when you go to the bathroom.
5. New studies show that men tend to sleep better with a partner, while women don’t. I know that’s the case in my house, but I sleep with a knife.
2. A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
3. The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades while still offering “outstanding comfort”. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
4. Capsaicin, the chemical that makes chili peppers hot, is now being used as a pain-killer. Unfortunately, all the pain just gets saved up for when you go to the bathroom.
5. New studies show that men tend to sleep better with a partner, while women don’t. I know that’s the case in my house, but I sleep with a knife.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
10/3
1. When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
2. Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
3. You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
4. A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. So watch out, Citibank. And “Toronto Dominion”. What a scary name for a bank. “Toronto will take over you all!”
5. In Italy, a Mother Superior has barricaded herself in her convent after the archbishop tried to have it closed. She says that she won’t leave until God gives her a sign. What would that sign be, I wonder? How about if some of her nuns dragged her to the ground and began clawing at her face? Because that actually happened. And how does an elderly nun barricade herself? My grandma can barely move her nightstand.
2. Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
3. You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
4. A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. So watch out, Citibank. And “Toronto Dominion”. What a scary name for a bank. “Toronto will take over you all!”
5. In Italy, a Mother Superior has barricaded herself in her convent after the archbishop tried to have it closed. She says that she won’t leave until God gives her a sign. What would that sign be, I wonder? How about if some of her nuns dragged her to the ground and began clawing at her face? Because that actually happened. And how does an elderly nun barricade herself? My grandma can barely move her nightstand.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
10/2
1. I don’t understand why China is being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters. What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
2. eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
3. A man in Austria tried to bring a bomb into the U.S. Embassy. They caught him when he set off the metal detector going in. The metal detector? What did he think was going to happen?
4. The band Radiohead will be releasing its album online and fans will be allowed to pay whatever they think is appropriate. But considering how rabid some of their fans are, this could be a problem, because the price will be far higher than they can afford.
5. A new world record for stone skipping has been set -- 51 skips. The previous record was held by Fred Bleeter, a 49-year-old convenience store clerk. Said Fred: “Yeah, I’ll see the Stones next time around…”
2. eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
3. A man in Austria tried to bring a bomb into the U.S. Embassy. They caught him when he set off the metal detector going in. The metal detector? What did he think was going to happen?
4. The band Radiohead will be releasing its album online and fans will be allowed to pay whatever they think is appropriate. But considering how rabid some of their fans are, this could be a problem, because the price will be far higher than they can afford.
5. A new world record for stone skipping has been set -- 51 skips. The previous record was held by Fred Bleeter, a 49-year-old convenience store clerk. Said Fred: “Yeah, I’ll see the Stones next time around…”
Monday, October 1, 2007
10/1
1. A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
2. Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks involved. In fact, the number of young people getting older is nearly one hundred percent. Kill yourselves now!
3. A female rebel in Colombia stole a plane to escape her life with the guerillas. She said she didn’t threaten the pilot, but was armed with a machete, a knife, a rifle, and 150 bullets. Yeah, that’s called ‘threatening’.
4. In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
5. Newt Gingrich says that he definitely won’t run for the White House in 2008. Said Gingrich: “By this point, they don’t even know who I am at the post office, let alone if I run for president.”
2. Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks involved. In fact, the number of young people getting older is nearly one hundred percent. Kill yourselves now!
3. A female rebel in Colombia stole a plane to escape her life with the guerillas. She said she didn’t threaten the pilot, but was armed with a machete, a knife, a rifle, and 150 bullets. Yeah, that’s called ‘threatening’.
4. In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
5. Newt Gingrich says that he definitely won’t run for the White House in 2008. Said Gingrich: “By this point, they don’t even know who I am at the post office, let alone if I run for president.”
Saturday, September 29, 2007
9/29
1. Director Francis Ford Coppola’s new movie script was recently stolen. However, it could have been a far greater tragedy for cinema -- it could have been stolen 30 years ago, when he was still making good movies.
2. China is being asked to talk to Burma about treating protesters better. That’s like having your local convenience store raise the price of its coffee and asking Starbucks to talk to them.
3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because the movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
4. Scientists have acquired an almost perfect piece of DNA from the extinct Woolly Mammoth, though they later apologized to relatives for digging up the grave of Andre the Giant.
5. Testicular and cervical cancer increase the chance of divorce. Yes, and I hear breast cancer lowers the chance that you can breast-feed your kids.
2. China is being asked to talk to Burma about treating protesters better. That’s like having your local convenience store raise the price of its coffee and asking Starbucks to talk to them.
3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because the movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
4. Scientists have acquired an almost perfect piece of DNA from the extinct Woolly Mammoth, though they later apologized to relatives for digging up the grave of Andre the Giant.
5. Testicular and cervical cancer increase the chance of divorce. Yes, and I hear breast cancer lowers the chance that you can breast-feed your kids.
Friday, September 28, 2007
9/28
1. In New Zealand, people are being asked to help write laws through a website similar to Wikipedia. So far, the new suggestions have included non-aggressive policing methods and a 524-page description of Star Trek.
2. Some controversial vaccines have been found to not cause brain damage. Unless they’re injected directly into the skull.
3. Burma. Well, there’s nothing funny about what’s going on there.
4. Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.
5. A medical student at Harvard will be given more time during her exams in order to pump breast milk. Yeah, that excuse worked for me too.
2. Some controversial vaccines have been found to not cause brain damage. Unless they’re injected directly into the skull.
3. Burma. Well, there’s nothing funny about what’s going on there.
4. Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.
5. A medical student at Harvard will be given more time during her exams in order to pump breast milk. Yeah, that excuse worked for me too.
BEST OF THE WEEK
The city of Amsterdam is going to buy several brothels and turn them into houses. Those might be tough to sell. “This house is perfect for a growing family. It not only has a kitchen and living room, but also 18 bedrooms.”
California apparently gave away 50,000 lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but now say they may be contaminated with lead. Yes, the California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then clarified that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.
Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”
In New Zealand, people are being asked to help write laws through a website similar to Wikipedia. So far, the new suggestions have included non-aggressive policing methods and a 524-page description of Star Trek.
The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.
Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.
The movie “Resident Evil” debuted at number one this weekend. It’s the third installment of the series about sinister college-dorm leaders.
A resort hotel in England was banned from using a logo showing a topless nun. It wasn’t so much that the logo was religiously offensive, but that the nun was 87 years old.
Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.
A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.
The Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City has been replaced with a café selling more traditional Chinese drinks. So instead of a shot of espresso, your coffee now comes with a shot to the back of the head.
A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.
Catholicism is becoming increasingly popular in China, because the country’s one-child-per-family laws have made it difficult for pedophiles to find children through traditional means.
China has issued new rules for local reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.
California apparently gave away 50,000 lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but now say they may be contaminated with lead. Yes, the California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then clarified that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.
Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”
In New Zealand, people are being asked to help write laws through a website similar to Wikipedia. So far, the new suggestions have included non-aggressive policing methods and a 524-page description of Star Trek.
The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.
Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.
The movie “Resident Evil” debuted at number one this weekend. It’s the third installment of the series about sinister college-dorm leaders.
A resort hotel in England was banned from using a logo showing a topless nun. It wasn’t so much that the logo was religiously offensive, but that the nun was 87 years old.
Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.
A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.
The Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City has been replaced with a café selling more traditional Chinese drinks. So instead of a shot of espresso, your coffee now comes with a shot to the back of the head.
A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.
Catholicism is becoming increasingly popular in China, because the country’s one-child-per-family laws have made it difficult for pedophiles to find children through traditional means.
China has issued new rules for local reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
9/27
1. The movie “Resident Evil” debuted at number one this weekend. It’s the third installment of the series about sinister college-dorm leaders.
2. Nike has unveiled the first shoe designed specifically for Native Americans. After Native Americans learn how to use the shoes, the company plans to take them all back and give them away to other people. The shoes are specially designed for use on the carpets in casinos.
3. Sales of durable goods have fallen recently. Durable goods are defined as manufactured goods expected to last for several years. For example Twinkies or Donald Trump’s hair.
4. Leaders of the Episcopal Church have agreed to stop ordaining gay clergy, in order to prevent a split in the Anglican Church. This makes sense, because I’ve known some gay dancers and they can do some amazing splits.
5. The Getty Museum in Los Angeles is going to give back art works that were stolen from Italy. They should have known when the Italian curator was named Vinny the Sculptor.
2. Nike has unveiled the first shoe designed specifically for Native Americans. After Native Americans learn how to use the shoes, the company plans to take them all back and give them away to other people. The shoes are specially designed for use on the carpets in casinos.
3. Sales of durable goods have fallen recently. Durable goods are defined as manufactured goods expected to last for several years. For example Twinkies or Donald Trump’s hair.
4. Leaders of the Episcopal Church have agreed to stop ordaining gay clergy, in order to prevent a split in the Anglican Church. This makes sense, because I’ve known some gay dancers and they can do some amazing splits.
5. The Getty Museum in Los Angeles is going to give back art works that were stolen from Italy. They should have known when the Italian curator was named Vinny the Sculptor.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
9/26
1. A resort hotel in England was banned from using a logo showing a topless nun. It wasn’t so much that the logo was religiously offensive, but that the nun was 87 years old.
2. Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.
3. A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.
4. A copy of the Magna Carta, which most historians see as the first time that a ruler was forced to recognize individual liberty and the rule of law, is going on sale. Democratic Congressmen are thinking of buying it, then tracking down President Bush to get him to sign it too.
5. Apple says it wants to “continuously delight” users with new iPhone features, such as a virtual reality feature that allows users to virtually kiss Steve Jobs’ ass.
2. Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.
3. A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.
4. A copy of the Magna Carta, which most historians see as the first time that a ruler was forced to recognize individual liberty and the rule of law, is going on sale. Democratic Congressmen are thinking of buying it, then tracking down President Bush to get him to sign it too.
5. Apple says it wants to “continuously delight” users with new iPhone features, such as a virtual reality feature that allows users to virtually kiss Steve Jobs’ ass.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
9/25
1. The Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City has been replaced with a café selling more traditional Chinese drinks. So instead of a shot of espresso, your coffee now comes with a shot to the back of the head.
2. In the new federal budget, the departments of Energy and Water have weapons programs. Are they developing nuclear water balloons?
3. A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.
4. Florida has now decided to move up its Democratic primary even earlier. The primary for 2012 will take place in Florida on November 5th… 2008. Proto-Senator Al Franken is leading the polls.
5. The fire department in the Swiss city of Geneva has released a rap video to remind people about their new hotline number. The video also features firefighters in hot pants and urges people to write the number in their underwear.
2. In the new federal budget, the departments of Energy and Water have weapons programs. Are they developing nuclear water balloons?
3. A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.
4. Florida has now decided to move up its Democratic primary even earlier. The primary for 2012 will take place in Florida on November 5th… 2008. Proto-Senator Al Franken is leading the polls.
5. The fire department in the Swiss city of Geneva has released a rap video to remind people about their new hotline number. The video also features firefighters in hot pants and urges people to write the number in their underwear.
Monday, September 24, 2007
9/24
1. Catholicism is becoming increasingly popular in China, because the country’s one-child-per-family laws have made it difficult for pedophiles to find children through traditional means.
2. China has issued new rules for reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.
3. Tasmania is gripped by fear over a fox invasion, but Rupert Murdoch says he won’t change anything.
4. British officials were very worried after discovering a cow with “bluetongue” disease. However, it was later learned that the cow had just been eating a lot of Slurpees.
5. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will speak at Columbia University today. He was also going to speak at the State University of New York, but cancelled when he learned that it’s known by its acronym -- SUNY.
2. China has issued new rules for reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.
3. Tasmania is gripped by fear over a fox invasion, but Rupert Murdoch says he won’t change anything.
4. British officials were very worried after discovering a cow with “bluetongue” disease. However, it was later learned that the cow had just been eating a lot of Slurpees.
5. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will speak at Columbia University today. He was also going to speak at the State University of New York, but cancelled when he learned that it’s known by its acronym -- SUNY.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
9/22
1. Amsterdam is going to buy several brothels and turn them into houses. Those might be tough to sell. “This house is perfect for a growing family. It not only has a kitchen and living room, but also 18 bedrooms.”
2. California apparently gave out over 50,000 free lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but have now learned that they may be contaminated with lead. The California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then told him that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.
3. Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”
4. The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the history and culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.
5. Canada has vowed to build new military facilities in the Arctic to counter Russia. I think Canada is letting the strong Canadian dollar go to their heads. “We’ll take over the world!” This gives the Cold War a whole new meaning.
2. California apparently gave out over 50,000 free lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but have now learned that they may be contaminated with lead. The California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then told him that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.
3. Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”
4. The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the history and culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.
5. Canada has vowed to build new military facilities in the Arctic to counter Russia. I think Canada is letting the strong Canadian dollar go to their heads. “We’ll take over the world!” This gives the Cold War a whole new meaning.
Friday, September 21, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.
The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”
Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.
Police in Florida used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.
The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.
Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.
The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?
An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.
Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.
The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. However, it all balances out, because last year the U.S. government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.
A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.
O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to being charged with armed robbery.
There’s controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.
The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform very well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.
Google announced that internet privacy laws should be stronger, saying: “People’s privacy needs to be protected from groups like Google.” Google then announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.
A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into her hair from a straw.
The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”
Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.
Police in Florida used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.
The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.
Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.
The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?
An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.
Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.
The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. However, it all balances out, because last year the U.S. government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.
A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.
O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to being charged with armed robbery.
There’s controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.
The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform very well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.
Google announced that internet privacy laws should be stronger, saying: “People’s privacy needs to be protected from groups like Google.” Google then announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.
A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into her hair from a straw.
9/21
1. The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has requested to visit Ground Zero, but the request was turned down. An Iranian spokesman said Ahmadinejad hoped he could find another way to honor 9/11 victims. How about not trying to build a nuclear bomb? I think that would cover it.
2. The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.
3. There’s a controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.
4. The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”
5. For the first time in 31 years, a Canadian dollar is worth the same as an American dollar. The Loonies are running the asylum.
2. The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.
3. There’s a controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.
4. The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”
5. For the first time in 31 years, a Canadian dollar is worth the same as an American dollar. The Loonies are running the asylum.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
9/20
1. Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.
2. O.J. Simpson has been released on bail. However he’s thinking about fleeing, because he heard that the judge might be John Kerry.
3. Premade bagged salad is being recalled over fears that it might have E. Coli bacteria. But you know, there’s always a risk of bacteria when you toss a salad.
4. The Pope refused to see Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When you meet with the Pope, it’s said that you receive an audience with him, and the Bush Administration likes to control the audience.
5. A family in New York is trying to live for a year without having any impact on the environment. No fridge, no washing machine, no subway, and no guns.
2. O.J. Simpson has been released on bail. However he’s thinking about fleeing, because he heard that the judge might be John Kerry.
3. Premade bagged salad is being recalled over fears that it might have E. Coli bacteria. But you know, there’s always a risk of bacteria when you toss a salad.
4. The Pope refused to see Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When you meet with the Pope, it’s said that you receive an audience with him, and the Bush Administration likes to control the audience.
5. A family in New York is trying to live for a year without having any impact on the environment. No fridge, no washing machine, no subway, and no guns.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
9/19
1. Police in Florida were said to have used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.
2. The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.
3. Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.
4. In Saudi Arabia, women will finally be asking for the right to drive. Conservatives are worried that if women drive, they will be in danger of immorality. As opposed to the current situation, which forces them to hitchhike.
5. The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?
2. The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.
3. Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.
4. In Saudi Arabia, women will finally be asking for the right to drive. Conservatives are worried that if women drive, they will be in danger of immorality. As opposed to the current situation, which forces them to hitchhike.
5. The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
9/18
1. The Minneapolis airport bathroom where Larry Craig was arrested is now attracting tourists. Officials say people keep blowing through.
2. The Italian city of Venice has been trying to introduce contraceptives to pigeons, but they keep slipping off.
3. An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.
4. Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.
5. The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. Fortunately, this will balance out, because last year the US government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.
2. The Italian city of Venice has been trying to introduce contraceptives to pigeons, but they keep slipping off.
3. An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.
4. Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.
5. The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. Fortunately, this will balance out, because last year the US government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
9/16
1. A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.
2. O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items that he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to him being charged with armed robbery.
3. France’s foreign minister says the world needs to prepare for possible war with Iran. Well, I guess this is the end of Republicans being anti-French. “What? I love France! Freedom Fries? What are those?” The French President is Sarkozy by name, soooo cozy by reputation.
4. The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.
5. The head of Al Qaeda in Iraq has increased his bounty on a Swedish cartoonist if he was “slaughtered like a lamb”. In other words, with mint sauce.
2. O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items that he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to him being charged with armed robbery.
3. France’s foreign minister says the world needs to prepare for possible war with Iran. Well, I guess this is the end of Republicans being anti-French. “What? I love France! Freedom Fries? What are those?” The French President is Sarkozy by name, soooo cozy by reputation.
4. The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.
5. The head of Al Qaeda in Iraq has increased his bounty on a Swedish cartoonist if he was “slaughtered like a lamb”. In other words, with mint sauce.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
9/15
1. Google has announced that governments need to establish internet privacy laws. Said a Google spokesperson: “People need to be protected from having their privacy violated on the internet by groups like us at Google.” Later that day, Google announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.
2. Presidential candidate Joe Biden called Bush’s speech about troop withdrawals in Iraq “shameful and bizarre”. Bizarre? Has he been paying any attention at all over the last four years? ‘Bush is for the war? I thought he was going to announce free gumdrops for everyone!’
3. The mayor of Miami says that a certain criminal is “an extremely violent individual that we don’t need out there in our community.” Yes, as opposed to extremely violent individuals that we DO need out there in our community. Like Russell Crowe. Or Michael Vick. Or me.
4. A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into the hair from a straw.
5. Google is offering $20 million dollars to the first non-government group to send a robot to the moon and have it do a series of tasks, such as photograph it for Moonview.
2. Presidential candidate Joe Biden called Bush’s speech about troop withdrawals in Iraq “shameful and bizarre”. Bizarre? Has he been paying any attention at all over the last four years? ‘Bush is for the war? I thought he was going to announce free gumdrops for everyone!’
3. The mayor of Miami says that a certain criminal is “an extremely violent individual that we don’t need out there in our community.” Yes, as opposed to extremely violent individuals that we DO need out there in our community. Like Russell Crowe. Or Michael Vick. Or me.
4. A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into the hair from a straw.
5. Google is offering $20 million dollars to the first non-government group to send a robot to the moon and have it do a series of tasks, such as photograph it for Moonview.
Friday, September 14, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”
In Great Britain, immigrants will soon have to prove that they can speak English. Soccer players, however, will be exempt, because of fears that David Beckham wouldn’t pass the test.
In the first-ever soccer match between humans and robots yesterday, the U.S. women’s team tied North Korea.
Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.
A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”
The leaders at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference have reached a deal on climate change that, lucky for them, doesn’t contain any actual commitments. The Australian prime minister John Howard said that it was an important milestone towards imaginary environmental protection.
Researchers claim that rabies could be wiped out within a decade. Immediate protests came from the makers of cartoon shaving cream. “How else will cartoon dogs be able to frighten their owners in a matter of seconds?”
An official in China has been accused of corruption by eleven former mistresses. Eleven! The People’s Daily newspaper said: “Pang did not expect that he would be brought down by his own 11 mistresses.” Well, who expects that? Even in mistresses we’re falling behind the world.
A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.
Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.
A new study shows that psychology students are more likely to yawn than engineering students when they see someone else yawning. At first they thought this was because psychology students are more empathetic, but actually the university’s psychology department was just really boring.
In preparation for the Olympics, China has developed computers that can understand a variety of languages over the phone. Efforts are being made to install the computers in the United States at Chinese takeout restaurants.
Scientists have found a Viking ship under the parking lot of a bar. They are now working hard to find out exactly where it came from, because the owners will owe about five million in parking fees.
At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a fight in the audience. They were apparently arguing over who was the most washed-up ex-husband of Pamela Anderson.
The Washington Post says that 14 percent of Americans are Latino, but only 9 percent of the voting electorate, partially because of lower citizenship rates. But if they’re not citizens, wouldn’t that make them not Americans?
In Jerusalem, a drainage tunnel was found that ancient Jews used to escape from Roman conquerors. The tunnel was found because modern Israelis still use it to hide from Italian tourists.
The honey crop this year has been extremely bad. When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump disagreed. “No, I think this year has a fine crop of honeys, many of whom will be at my Miss USA pageant.”
In Great Britain, immigrants will soon have to prove that they can speak English. Soccer players, however, will be exempt, because of fears that David Beckham wouldn’t pass the test.
In the first-ever soccer match between humans and robots yesterday, the U.S. women’s team tied North Korea.
Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.
A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”
The leaders at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference have reached a deal on climate change that, lucky for them, doesn’t contain any actual commitments. The Australian prime minister John Howard said that it was an important milestone towards imaginary environmental protection.
Researchers claim that rabies could be wiped out within a decade. Immediate protests came from the makers of cartoon shaving cream. “How else will cartoon dogs be able to frighten their owners in a matter of seconds?”
An official in China has been accused of corruption by eleven former mistresses. Eleven! The People’s Daily newspaper said: “Pang did not expect that he would be brought down by his own 11 mistresses.” Well, who expects that? Even in mistresses we’re falling behind the world.
A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.
Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.
A new study shows that psychology students are more likely to yawn than engineering students when they see someone else yawning. At first they thought this was because psychology students are more empathetic, but actually the university’s psychology department was just really boring.
In preparation for the Olympics, China has developed computers that can understand a variety of languages over the phone. Efforts are being made to install the computers in the United States at Chinese takeout restaurants.
Scientists have found a Viking ship under the parking lot of a bar. They are now working hard to find out exactly where it came from, because the owners will owe about five million in parking fees.
At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a fight in the audience. They were apparently arguing over who was the most washed-up ex-husband of Pamela Anderson.
The Washington Post says that 14 percent of Americans are Latino, but only 9 percent of the voting electorate, partially because of lower citizenship rates. But if they’re not citizens, wouldn’t that make them not Americans?
In Jerusalem, a drainage tunnel was found that ancient Jews used to escape from Roman conquerors. The tunnel was found because modern Israelis still use it to hide from Italian tourists.
The honey crop this year has been extremely bad. When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump disagreed. “No, I think this year has a fine crop of honeys, many of whom will be at my Miss USA pageant.”
9/14
1. A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”
2. A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.
3. Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.
4. Italians are being urged to go on a pasta strike to protest rising costs. However, what really worries pasta makers is a strike by college students.
5. Scientists say that eating tangerine peels can kill cancer cells. Next we’re going to hear: “When you have a Snickers bar, eat the wrapper.”
2. A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.
3. Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.
4. Italians are being urged to go on a pasta strike to protest rising costs. However, what really worries pasta makers is a strike by college students.
5. Scientists say that eating tangerine peels can kill cancer cells. Next we’re going to hear: “When you have a Snickers bar, eat the wrapper.”
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