BEST OF THE WEEK

Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”

In Great Britain, immigrants will soon have to prove that they can speak English. Soccer players, however, will be exempt, because of fears that David Beckham wouldn’t pass the test.

In the first-ever soccer match between humans and robots yesterday, the U.S. women’s team tied North Korea.

Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.

A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”

The leaders at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference have reached a deal on climate change that, lucky for them, doesn’t contain any actual commitments. The Australian prime minister John Howard said that it was an important milestone towards imaginary environmental protection.

Researchers claim that rabies could be wiped out within a decade. Immediate protests came from the makers of cartoon shaving cream. “How else will cartoon dogs be able to frighten their owners in a matter of seconds?”

An official in China has been accused of corruption by eleven former mistresses. Eleven! The People’s Daily newspaper said: “Pang did not expect that he would be brought down by his own 11 mistresses.” Well, who expects that? Even in mistresses we’re falling behind the world.

A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.

Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.

A new study shows that psychology students are more likely to yawn than engineering students when they see someone else yawning. At first they thought this was because psychology students are more empathetic, but actually the university’s psychology department was just really boring.

In preparation for the Olympics, China has developed computers that can understand a variety of languages over the phone. Efforts are being made to install the computers in the United States at Chinese takeout restaurants.

Scientists have found a Viking ship under the parking lot of a bar. They are now working hard to find out exactly where it came from, because the owners will owe about five million in parking fees.

At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a fight in the audience. They were apparently arguing over who was the most washed-up ex-husband of Pamela Anderson.

The Washington Post says that 14 percent of Americans are Latino, but only 9 percent of the voting electorate, partially because of lower citizenship rates. But if they’re not citizens, wouldn’t that make them not Americans?

In Jerusalem, a drainage tunnel was found that ancient Jews used to escape from Roman conquerors. The tunnel was found because modern Israelis still use it to hide from Italian tourists.

The honey crop this year has been extremely bad. When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump disagreed. “No, I think this year has a fine crop of honeys, many of whom will be at my Miss USA pageant.”