9/13

1. Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.

2. Indonesia has banned unauthorized people from managing traffic. They’ve got people managing traffic for free? Can they come to my neighborhood?

3. Many people say the next attorney general will be Theodore Olson, but this may be difficult with mounting speculation that he is the long-lost Olson triplet. It was a very long delivery for their mother. About thirty years.

4. The latest tape of Osama Bin Laden was hacked and distributed a day before al-Qaeda was able to release it. Al-Qaeda is now saying that capitalism maybe isn’t so bad and want help enforcing copyright laws. They’ve also launched a jihad against computer pirates.

5. The prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, is going to resign. His party lost a major midterm election, the opposition is trying to get him to bring troops home from the Middle East, and his officials keep resigning in clouds of scandal. Yes, we are still talking about Japan.