BEST OF THE WEEK

The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.

The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”

Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.

Police in Florida used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.

The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.

Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.

The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?

An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.

Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.

The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. However, it all balances out, because last year the U.S. government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.

A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.

O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to being charged with armed robbery.

There’s controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.

The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform very well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.

Google announced that internet privacy laws should be stronger, saying: “People’s privacy needs to be protected from groups like Google.” Google then announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.

A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into her hair from a straw.