1. The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
2. Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
3. Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
4. The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
5. A clam between the ages of 405 and 410 years old has just been found. It is the oldest living creature ever discovered, as long as you count the members of the Rolling Stones individually.
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