BEST OF THE WEEK

A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after their honeymoon in Brazil. Actually, I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.

An unknown person dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired, over and over again, by the green beer, that I decided to rediscover some snow by coloring it yellow.

Many headlines today read “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.

Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.

A new study says that liking garlic and coffee is heavily genetic. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.

Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.

New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR PATH! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There were more people on stage than in the audience.

A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.

A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”

The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get you out of a ticket there.

A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.

A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.

China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.

A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to a more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?

In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.