BEST OF THE WEEK

Police say that Delta Airline baggage handlers have been caught smuggling heroin and cocaine. Police became suspicious when several baggage handlers were filmed treating suitcases carefully and respectfully.

A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.

The operator of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”

Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in their goals. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”

A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies.

Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, he simply turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.

Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma, which is the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.

A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?

People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.

Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.

A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?

A new study says you can get sick by making your bed. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.

A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting graffiti on refrigerators across the city.

Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means my old record has been completely shattered.

A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life in exchange for a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.

A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed inside.

Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”

John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.

The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.