10/5

1. In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him for the role. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.

2. Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.

3. Kim Jong Il is saying that reports of him being sick are untrue. Instead, the man who actually claims that a new star appeared in the sky when he was born, revealed that he can bench press 500 pounds, fly, and has a penis so large it can be seen from outer space.

4. Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was just recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.

5. A father in China has been training his 10-year-old daughter to swim the English Channel by tying her hand and feet together, then tossing her into a freezing river. He apparently believes that people get kidnapped a lot in England.