BEST OF THE WEEK

China has approved new rules to improve food standards in the country. From now on, Chinese factories that sell food must actually put food in their products.

A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.

A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.

King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.

The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.

A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.

Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.

Eating compounds known as flavonoids cuts the risk of heart disease. I love the name “flavonoid”. It sounds like a flavor-loving nerd from New Jersey -- “flavonoid”.

Couples in conservative Muslim societies are using cell phones for secret romance. Popular text messages include: “You make me burn hotter than an American flag.” and “You have nice eyes”, because that’s all they can see.

The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.

Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...

According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.

Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”

Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.

The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”

Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.

Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.

The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.