BEST OF THE WEEK

The video game maker Activision is merging with the online game giant Blizzard, to form the largest conglomeration of middle-aged virgins the world has ever seen. The new company will be known as Actizard.

The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.

A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.

As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.

Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”

People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.

The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.

The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.

An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.