12/21

Taking a break for Christmas to visit my family. See you again next week!

BEST OF THE WEEK

Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods, since he's been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. The Woods scandal will probably increase Nike sales, since he's finally doing something teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me those sneakers."

President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”

A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.

A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.

Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.

Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.

A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.

A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.

Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.

Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.

Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.

Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.

Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.

12/19

1. Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform from Senator Ben Nelson, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. Nelson demanded on principle that no federal money be used for abortions. He also demanded extra money for his state. In the Nelson Amendment, it’s known as the Blagojevich Clause. Also, in order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because a new tax was added for tanning salons.

2. A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.

3. A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.

4. 3D movies will soon be available in people’s homes. As opposed to the people watching them, who are steadily becoming more two-dimensional.

5. The U.N. called the Copenhagen climate control deal a good “first step”. Philosophers were thrilled, because after Bali, Kyoto, Rio, etc., etc., it’s yet another example for Zeno’s Paradoxes.

12/18

1. After the Tiger Woods affairs, there have been lots of advice articles about “Could your marriage handle an affair?” And countless wives are thinking: “If I had millions of dollars coming to me, hell yes!” Swiss watch maker Tag Heuer said it will drop Tiger Woods as a sponsor. But wouldn’t he be the perfect spokesman for needing good timekeeping on a tight schedule? Also, Woods’s caddy said he will never caddy for anyone else. Which is kind of ironic, considering.

2. A new study shows the average person drinks more than he thinks. For example, the average person consumes 1.8 drinks per hour but has only 1.4 thoughts.

3. Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sara Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that’s what starving people do.

4. The Chinese government wants to meter all internet traffic that crosses its borders, and some people think it has a “hidden agenda”. No, I think it’s just an “agenda”. There’s nothing very hidden about it.

5. Pepsi has decided to not buy ads during the Super Bowl, because its new campaign focuses on community service. Because there’s nothing that says community service like nutritionless sugar water. And Pepsi could still do that in a Super Bowl commercial. Every time people swear, it could pay to have a little Pepsi can over their mouths.

12/17

1. Japan’s central bank said it won’t tolerate lower prices for consumers. Now there’s a government working for the people. And with that, Subway Japan was banned from selling 500-yen footlongs.

2. Beijing now has 4 million vehicles and 6 million drivers. So what are the extra 2 million drivers doing? Probably looking for parking.

3. Iraqi insurgents have hacked into unmanned American drones, because the military didn’t encrypt their signals! So basically, it would have been harder to hack Starbucks wifi. Although I think unmanned drones are the next step in Starbucks cost-cutting.

4. Cabin crews from British Airways have planned a strike during Christmas. Well, if they need anyone to take over for a couple flights…

5. An undersea formation shaped like a fried egg might be the crater of a meteor. Scientists say a volcanic origin is unlikely, since the egg would have then been boiled.

12/16

1. A female weightlifter gave birth during training, because she didn’t know she was pregnant. However, she was thrilled, because it immediately dropped her to a lower weight class. She was having nausea in the morning, but assumed it was just a side effect of steroids.

2. Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing: Holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – masturbation and internet porn.

3. Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she asked him to turn off his cell phone. Surrounding passengers were also upset, because it meant that Schumer was more likely to talk to them.

4. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Time called the Fed the most “powerful, secret, least understood” force in the economy. Well, except for Cash4Gold.

5. The government is suing Intel over unfair business practices. The computer-maker Gateway said that Intel beat them “into guacamole”. However, Intel said that was only to make Gateway tastier for its chips.

12/15

1. President Obama said retrofitting houses to make them more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey, honey, let’s spend a romantic evening putting in storm windows.”

2. Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold many of Illinois’s ex-politicians.

3. Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. Most of the families said they were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.

4. After being attacked, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told his supporters that “love always triumphs over hate”. Which is maybe why he soothes the pain of a bad marriage by flirting with teenage girls.

5. Eritrea’s government announced a plan to cut spending, by not bothering to buy any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.

12/14

1. A new study says baby-faced people live longer. That is, if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists also emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.

2. Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi got a bloody nose from a man throwing a model of a cathedral. Good thing he didn’t also throw holy water, or Berlusconi would have gotten burns too.

3. Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods. Especially since Woods has been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. This is probably actually going to increase Nike sales, since Woods is finally doing something that urban teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me some of those sneakers."

4. Senator Joe Lieberman opposed lowering the minimum age for Medicare to 55. He doesn’t want anything to interfere with his own insurance plan, which is to serve on the board of Hartford insurance companies when he retires.

5. Developing countries are threatening to walk out of the Copenhagen climate talks, saying that richer countries aren’t doing enough. To which Denmark’s representative said: “Go ahead and walk out. It’s December. You’ll see we Danish wouldn’t actually mind a little global warming.”

BEST OF THE WEEK

Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.

The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.

Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.

A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.

In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.

A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.

There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.

Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.

There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”

Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.

The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.

Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.

AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.

Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”

A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.

12/12

1. The razor company Gillette is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”

2. A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went along the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American coast, and finally ended in California sweatshops.

3. In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. Which is why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.

4. Google has announced that its designers are using a special Google phone that makes it even easier for them to violate people’s privacy on the go.

5. There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.

12/11

1. The NBC show Dateline is going to have a “special report” called “The Secret Life of Tiger Woods”. I don’t know if they’ve been paying attention, but there’s not much secret anymore. What else do they have? Was he involved in the Kennedy Assassination? And now a Las Vegas madam says Woods paid for sex with her escorts, giving new meaning to the golf phrase “a hundred bucks a hole”.

2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.

3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.

4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.

5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”

12/10

1. Information about airport security that was released on the internet shows that the immediate family of the mayor of Washington DC is exempt from screening. Excuse me? Have you see some of the mayors of Washington DC? They shouldn’t be exempt from screening to get into a late-night 7-11.

2. AT&T wants to limit iPhone customers, because they use their phones too much and AT&T can’t handle the volume. AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones, like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.

3. Facebook is trying to push its users to make their information more public, because that’s “the way the world is moving”. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Facebook also announced plans to generate massive amounts of CO2 to speed up global warming, since that’s also the way the world is moving.

4. Eli Roth, the director of torture porn movies like “Hostel”, has admitted working in the sex porn industry as a college student. His next logical step? Directing gourmet cooking shows featuring the most artery-clogging recipes ever imagined.

5. In the Philippines, a group of men have taken hostages to get police to drop charges of murder and robbery. But if you think local police are the type to drop murder charges if you kidnap people, what makes you think they’re the type to keep their word?

12/9

1. Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he apparently gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.

2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.

3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.

4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.

5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.

12/8

1. Zhu Zhu Pet toys were declared safe by the feds, in response to fears that Mr. Squiggles could cause vomiting. The bad news didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.” Federal agencies are notoriously slow to test toys. For example, only last month, it finally okayed “Injuns”.

2. Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.

3. Brian Bonsall, a former actor on the ‘80s sitcom “Family Ties”, has been arrested for assault. Bonsall now regrets the fight, which he started when someone called his former co-star Meredith Baxter a lesbian.

4. The president of Serbia was fined for making a toast at a soccer match. Serbia bans alcohol at sports events in order to stop violence. Which is odd, because considering this is Serbia, sports events are one of the least violent places in the country.

5. A woman in Florida says that a McDonald’s refused to hire her because she used to be a man. She should have applied at Burger King, since their slogan is “Have It Your Way”.

12/7

1. Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism at a site in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.

2. Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.

3. The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.

4. A man in Florida charged with murder has covered up a swastika tattoo with makeup, because the judge thinks it might prejudice the jury. But I don’t think the makeup is going to help him with a Florida jury (sorry, very localized joke).

5. The White House admitted there have been no credible accounts of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts for years. Some believe he may have gone underground because of a continuing affair with Tiger Woods.

BEST OF THE WEEK

A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean designer jeans. The jeans come in two models: relaxed fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).

The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”

A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.

Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it couldn’t make payments on its $60 billion debt. But I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it also announced plans to build the world’s largest debt clock.

South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because it would be the first cow killed by humans since about three seconds earlier.

The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, which was covered in red and yellow lights. Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.

November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.

Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.

The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.

The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.

Scientists were excited about a man controlling an artificial hand with his thoughts for the first time. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.

The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.

Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.

The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....

The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.

Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a vibrating massage chair to earthquake survivors.

Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.

12/5

1. A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean jeans. The jeans come in two models: loose fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).

2. Scientists were excited that for the first time, a man controlled his artificial hand with just his thoughts. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.

3. The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.

4. A prisoner in Maine who was wrongly released has now turned himself in. There were apparently two prisoners named Ismail. What makes me think Maine isn’t used to guys named Ismail? And it’s the second time this prison has released the wrong person. So if you want to escape from prison, and your name is Smith -- do your crimes in Maine.

5. An official reprimand for a teacher in Britain said (true): “Mr. Rouse behaved inappropriately in threatening to throw a pupil out of the window.” Yes, I would agree. Now if he’d said “through the window”, that would have been okay.

12/4

1. November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.

2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.

3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.

4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.

5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.

12/3

1. The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, covered in red and yellow lights . Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.

2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.

3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.

4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.

5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.

12/2

1. Meredith Baxter, 1980s sitcom mom and former Lifetime Channel star, has revealed that she is a lesbian. I think after 500 Lifetime movies about abusive husbands, Baxter just decided to spice things up with a new type of domestic partner.

2. The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....

3. A new House bill lets the feds take over any financial firm whose failure is a risk to the nation’s stability. Which means if Warren Buffet goes into a coma, no one will be pulling the plug.

4. The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.

5. A new study shows that men have a gene that lets them grow bigger bodies than women, but at the expense of shorter lifespans. But you know, I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I think it’s not just men getting this gene.

12/1

1. The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million separate e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank transfer fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”

2. A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.

3. South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because this would be the first cow in the world killed by humans since about 3 seconds earlier.

4. Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show in California. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday sales. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a massage chair to earthquake survivors.

5. Bank of America is sending customers a one-page sheet with clear explanations of all its credit cards. BofA says it’s doing this to keep customers informed and improve financial literacy. Yes, and criminals plea bargain because they just feel so bad about what they did.

11/30

1. Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it might not make payments on its $60 billion in debt. However, I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it later announced plans to build the world’s biggest debt clock.

2. A new study says people who over-exercise are at risk of arthritis. Which explains why my thumb joints have been hurting ever since I got a satellite dish.

3. Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.

4. The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.

5. Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.

BEST OF THE WEEK

1. Australian men are mourning the death of the oldest sheep in the world, their first and only GGGGGGGGGILF.

2. Blocked toilets have become a major problem for Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific. The airline said since the average weight of Chinese people is rising, they would have to be hidden in new places for trafficking.

3. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...

Swiss Opinions of Nazis:

Re: Taking over the world -- “Sorry, it wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
Re: Religious tolerance -- “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”

However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.

4. Many analysts predict Wall Street CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.

5. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.

6. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says political thugs ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Panties? I think the term isn’t “political thugs” -- it’s “stalkers”. And I should know.

7. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.

8. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.

9. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked weatherman Al Roker this morning: “How did you find the time to write a mystery novel?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because Roker didn’t actually write the book -- Dick Lochte did. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.

10. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.

11. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.

12. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.

11/28

1. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...

Swiss Opinions of Nazis:

a) Taking over the world: “Sorry, can‘t help you. It wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
b) Religious tolerance: “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”

However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.

2. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.

3. After two reality TV wannabes crashed the White House’s first state dinner by distracting the Secret Service with a giant balloon, the White House will hold state dinners at airports, because the security is much tighter.

4. Tiger Woods asked police to wait a day before coming to his house to talk about his car crash. It takes time to clean up all those chicken sacrifices for getting his mojo back.

5. A government minister in Indonesia publicly blamed the country’s recent natural disasters on immorality. Or maybe they were punishment for electing morons.

11/27

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving and didn't suffer too many injuries this morning at Wal-Mart. I'll be back tomorrow.

11/26

Happy Thanksgiving! I'll be back on Saturday.

11/25

1. Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific has had a lot of blocked toilets recently. The airline said with the average weight of Chinese people rising, new places would have to be found to hide them when trafficking.

2. Wikipedia lost 49,000 editors in 2009. Or it might have been 12. I can’t be sure, because the number keeps changing on their site.

3. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are now heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.

4. The Arab emirate of Dubai is having trouble paying its debt. Analysts described this as “shocking”. Yes, who could have seen that coming, considering Dubai built a chain of artificial islands that can be seen from outer space and a massive ski resort in the desert?

5. A Swiss court has granted Roman Polanski $4.5 million bail. Is he a flight risk? No, said a group of wealthy Hollywood players who helped pay for the bail. “And we are glad they accepted the ransom, I mean, bail.”

11/24

1. The oldest sheep in the world has died in Australia, and Australian men were in mourning over the loss of their favorite GGGGGGGGGILF.

2. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says politically motivated thieves ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Actually, I think the term would be “stalkers”. And I should know.

3. Italy is also in an uproar over a government minister who suggested Italians shouldn’t spend so long at lunch. Italian nutritionists said this might cause “a blood sugar crisis in the afternoon, which would make it quite difficult to work.” Yes, that’s why everyone in the States drops like flies at around 2PM. But I suppose it takes a lot of calories to not collect garbage and find excuses for not being able to do what customers ask.

4. Today Show weatherman Al Roker has written a mystery novel, and his co-star Matt Lauer asked him: “How did you find the time?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because he didn’t actually write the book. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.

5. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.

11/23

1. Many analysts predict JPMorgan Chase Bank CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.

2. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.

3. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.

4. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.

5. After a performance featuring simulated oral sex and bondage at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert pulled off a mask to reveal that he is actually Madonna. No one expected her latest incarnation to be a young gay man. Next, she’s expected to take algae form, possibly as a species of seaweed.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than even Paris. However, only three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.

Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)

Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.

The fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said it was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.

The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are why many people end up needing to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.

General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.

Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.

In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.

After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.

At the rural University of California at Davis, police arrested several student protesters who refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the protesters were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.

Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.

California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.

A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So the women are still miserable – but they want to have sex. Sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. But these doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”

Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.

President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.

Swarms of giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem. I think the answer is to have the jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate them within just a few years.

A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.

11/21

1. The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are one of the main reasons people need to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.

2. Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.

3. A survey of 2009’s safest cars had none from Toyota. However, this was the first year they measured roof strength, and Toyota complained that the survey only tested its convertibles.

4. After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.

5. Michael Jackson’s glove from his first televised Moonwalk is going to be auctioned. It might get the highest price for a Jackson glove since a rubber one from his first children’s concert.

11/20

1. Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)

2. Police arrested several student protesters at the rural University of California, Davis, after the students refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the students were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.

3. YouTube is going to offer subtitles. This is great, because most English movie clips on the site are dubbed in other languages.

4. YouTube is now also offering YouTube Direct, which gives the media direct access to amateur footage of news events. Thus eliminating the last justification for being called “investigative” journalism. Next month, YouTube debuts a new site called: “YouTube News Article Writer”.

5. Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.

11/19

1. Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.

2. Afghan President Hamad Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.

3. Brad Pitt turned down $5 million for an appearance in Abu Dhabi so he could go trick-or-treating with his kids. Because in Bel Air, his kids will pull in way more than that by trick or treating.

4. A new study says a medium popcorn and soda at most movie theaters is more unhealthy than three McDonald’s Quarter Pounders plus 12 pats of butter. Theaters said most Americans only eat movie popcorn as an occasional treat. Then the next day, they have their occasional treat of pumpkin pie, then their occasional treat of …

5. A third of the French troops in Afghanistan are in the Foreign Legion. So even when the French finally go to Afghanistan, the French don’t go to Afghanistan.

11/18

1. California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.

2. In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.

3. A new study shows that Egyptian mummies had clogged arteries. Scientists said it was probably due to their sedentary lifestyle.

4. One of John McCain’s campaign staffers called Sarah Palin’s new memoir “fiction”. Yes, that’s because it’s a political memoir, which are all hybrids of autobiography and obsessive fan fiction.

5. A rabbi in England has been charged with giving cocaine to girls in exchange for sex. Loser. Most rabbis get it for nothing.

11/17

1. A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So they’re still miserable – but they want to have sex. That sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. These doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”

2. Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.

3. A new study says that even infrequent users of the street drug ketamine, also known as Special K, are more paranoid than non-users. The cereal Special K does the same thing – you lose weight because you’re afraid of being poisoned.

4. Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than any other city in the world, including Paris. However, only the three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.

5. President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.

11/16

1. The European fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said the decision was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later that day, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.

2. As President Obama visits China, some people say China should help train police in Afghanistan and other developing countries. Especially since Americans and Brits have become horribly inexperienced in the best ways to shoot unarmed protesters.

3. Giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem as swarms move north with global warming. I think the answer is to have jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate the population within just a few years.

4. A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.

5. General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.

BEST OF THE WEEK

A French company called off plans to hand out free cash, because too many people came. Yeah, who could have predicted that? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs -- too many people came.

At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $67 million for a work called “67 Million One Dollar Bills”.

Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to act more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.

A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.

A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”

In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. But if I was a customer, I’d be more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.

In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”

A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.

The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? And Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to improved security, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!

In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which in Spanish can mean “extremely hard”.

An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who’d never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”

Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.

A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.

Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.

The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.

Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction, including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit on the back of the head with a baseball while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.

11/14

1. A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.

2. In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. You know, I’m almost more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.

3. In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”

4. A French company called off plans to hand out free cash to the public, because too many people came. Yeah, who could see that happening? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs. Too many people came.

5. A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.

11/13

1. The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? I also hear that Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to new security measures, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!

2. In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which can mean “extremely hard”. Yes, extremely.

3. It’s been discovered that in 1982, China gave Pakistan uranium and bomb plans as a gift, which might seem odd, but it’s very hard to buy for Pakistan. They’re picky like my Aunt Betty. I’ve thought of giving her uranium too, but cyanide was so much more effective.

4. Greg Craig, President Obama’s top lawyer, is going to resign. Craig left under pressure to drive people with two first names out of the White House. Plus, Obama calling one of his staff “Mr. Craig” was just too controversial. Craig’s position is known as “White House counsel”, or as Glenn Beck refers to him, the “counsel czar”. Beck also announced that ten new “cleaning czars” were just hired by the White House’s Housekeeping Dept.

5. Canadian rumors about the death of Margaret Thatcher began when a senior politician sent a text message about his cat Thatcher dying. The most confusing part was how he followed up that the former prime minister would be buried in a large shoebox. Nike and Adidas both began fighting to have it be one of theirs.

11/12

1. Carrie Prejean called Larry King “inappropriate” last night when he asked why she settled her lawsuit with the Miss California Pageant. Larry King? Inappropriate? This is a man who thinks a hard-boiled question is “What did you have for breakfast?” She then threatened to leave the show when King took a call from a gay man. Said Prejean: “I believe phone sex should only be between a man and a woman.”

2. An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”

3. An Australian bomb-sniffing dog lost in Afghanistan has been found after 14 months. However, there are fears that the dog might have been recruited by the Taliban, because he will no longer eat Snausages.

4. A couple in Phoenix were arrested for stealing almost 1,000 pieces of luggage from the local airport. Most of the thefts were never reported, because they targeted men who looked likely to pack a lot of porn. They were eventually caught after stealing the luggage of Dick Cheney.

5. Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is “still part of the family”. She then added: “Because you want to keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.” This is also why Palin keeps books in her house.

11/11

1. Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.

2. At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $54 million in 2007 for a work called “54 Million One Dollar Bills”.

3. A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.

4. Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.

5. The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.

11/10

1. A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”

2. Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction. For example, his solid-silver soul remover. There’s also (true) a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit by a baseball from behind while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.

3. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has admitted that she made an erotic video for a former boyfriend, but insists that she did not have sex on the tape. With the tape, perhaps, but not on it.

4. Tomorrow, for the first time, the leaders of France and Germany will together mark the end of World War I. That’s nice, considering they fought the war in Belgium. Maybe they could bring the Belgian leader along. “Hey, sorry about destroying your country.”

5. North Korean and South Korean ships fired at each other after a North Korean ship entered South Korean waters to investigate strange “unidentified objects” in the water, which were later determined to be food. None of the sailors had ever seen it in non-cabbage or rice form.

11/9

1. Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to be more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.

2. A self-employed logger is in the final of the World Series of Poker. He developed his amazing poker face while chainsawing through environmentalists who had tied themselves to trees.

3. In honor of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I will tear down the wall between my two bedrooms. It might be expensive to reunify the two color systems, but I think history will judge me right.

4. A new study says women with very dense breasts have a higher risk of breast cancer. Which explains why so many women in Hollywood give money to breast cancer research. It’s also a warning to never get implants made of diamonds

5. Scientists have been able to regrow penises on rabbits. So now, finally, they can breed like… themselves. Has there ever been a rabbit shortage? Although, that would be difficult, hanging out alone with thousands of nieces and nephews.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Maine voters rejected gay marriage last night, reaffirming that in Maine, the only natural union is between a man and a woman or moose.

The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had worried about whether they were compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.

A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”

Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.

Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.

A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. Which means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.

The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? Loser.

A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.

Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. Then he said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.

The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.

Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.

In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.

In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.

A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.

Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird wants to move to a “new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.

Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different body parts vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Which explains why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.

A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.

New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.

11/7

1. The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? (Sniff), he obviously didn’t practice what he preached.

2. A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.

3. A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.

4. New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.

5. President Obama told representatives who passed healthcare reform today: “When I sign this... every one of you will be able to look back and say, ‘This was my finest moment in politics.’” He then added, “Except for you, Rep. Duggert, because your finest moment was definitely banging that intern. We were all jealous of that.”

11/6

1. A woman in South Korea has finally passed her written driving test – on the 950th try (true). She now has to pass the road test, but unfortunately whenever she has time, all the instructors have been coincidentally busy.

2. Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird decides to move to “a new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.

3. Spain is resisting ransom demands by Somali pirates. They’re getting a lot of support from England and France, which is historically interesting, because Spain honed its pirate negotiation skills against the English and French.

4. Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different areas of the body vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Although, that would explain why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.

5. Unemployment has risen above 10%, the highest since 1983. In 1983, this coincided with the end of punk rock. If another musical genre has to die this time, God, let it be smooth jazz. But I doubt it, because those fans are the types who still have jobs, requiring them to bathe their fully automated brains in Kenny G for at least an hour a day.

11/5

1. French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.

2. A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”

3. A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.

4. Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.

5. A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. This means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.

11/4

1. Maine voters rejected gay marriage last night, reaffirming that in Maine, the only natural union is between a man and a woman or moose.

2. The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had been worried about whether they would be compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.

3. In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.

4. In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.

5. The head Palestinian negotiator said that if Israel continues to build settlements in Palestinian territory, the Palestinians will have to abandon the two-state solution. This was the top story last night on “Duh News”.

11/3

1. Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.

2. The world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, has adopted a cheetah cub. This whole “celebrities adopting African babies” thing is getting out of control. In related news, Michael Phelps adopted a baby manatee, Dan Brown adopted a baby sasquatch, and a Tasmanian devil adopted Glenn Beck.

3. The first space hotel says it’s on track to open in 2012. A three-night stay will cost $4.4 million. Unfortunately, in orbit, the sun rises 15 times a day, so it’s over pretty quickly.

4. The first female Beefeater (a guard of the Tower of London) says that her fellow guards have been harassing her. It’s not because she’s a women, though, but because she’s very into blenders and prefers to drink her beef.

5. U.S. Middle East envoy George Mitchell has repeated that the U.S. stance towards Israeli settlements in the West Bank hasn’t changed. Basically, we don’t like them, but we’ll never ever give any punishment for them. As anyone who’s had to endure a plane flight with a parent like that, I sympathize with the Palestinians.

11/2

1. Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.

2. Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. He said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.

3. The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.

4. A new study shows that people who eat mostly processed foods have a much higher risk of depression. But maybe they’re just depressed because they’ve got no one to cook them a meal.

5. The winner of the New York Marathon this year is an American! Yay! Who was raised in the African nation of Eritrea and didn’t become a citizen until 1998. Finally, we’re following the lead of baseball and making the rest of the world our farm team.

BEST OF THE WEEK

French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – and he never even used it. Jesus, how much of a hint do you need to give a guy to freshen up a little? This explains why the White House officially classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.

Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that was for finding someone to write it.

A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.”

Two men from Chicago have been arrested for plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about them awarding the Olympics to Rio.

Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I can finally get www.igpayatinlay.com.

A man in Somalia who says he’s 112 years old has just married a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.

The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.

Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.

Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government views Scientology as a con job masquerading as deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.

Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar yesterday, because what better proof of how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence? Bush is also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions as president. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”

President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.

Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.

Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.

Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”

Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that people exist who don’t get enough of him already.

10/31

1. The White House has released its visitor list, and this year, there were eight visits by Michael Moore, but none of them by the movie director Michael Moore. Sounds like a certain president is acting a little passive-aggressive.

2. Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that some people exist who don’t get enough of him already.

3. In Afghanistan, after long and grueling pressure from American officials to get Hamid Karzai to allow a run-off election with his rival Abdullah Abdullah, Abdullah has decided to boycott the election. Which means it’s good that Karzai won, because at least we won’t have to deal with a complete moron. Abdullah says that he needs more time to prepare -- maybe to fit another Abdullah into his name.

4. In Florida, a man brought an alligator to his daughter’s show-and-tell at school and it escaped. Luckily, it happened before another father brought in his giant vats of anthrax. Who brings an alligator to his daughter’s show-and-tell? And this is true -- they can‘t find it now. This is kind of like when you can’t find that last Easter egg in the house. “It’ll let us know where it is eventually.” “Yeah, didn’t there used to be more kids in this class?”

5. Hugh Jackman says that he doesn’t want to host the Oscars again, because being asked to host is sort of a backhanded compliment. “We don’t think you’ll be winning one of these.”

10/30

1. Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I’m finally going to have www.igpayatinlay.com.

2. Wal Mart is now selling coffins. The coffins are going to be made in China, but that’s okay, because if you’re dead, it doesn’t matter what they're contaminated with.

3. The world’s largest ever cruise liner is setting sail. There have been problems, however, because the ship is altering weather patterns from the reflective power of so much pale skin in such concentration.

4. The new Michael Jackson documentary will be released in an IMAX version, so parents can finally discover what had previously only been experienced by children.

5. One of Hitler’s closest aides has died, and some people say his memoirs might provide conclusive evidence that Hitler was in charge of the Holocaust. Yeah, this will finally placate the Holocaust deniers, just like the soon-to-be-released memoirs of an assistant electrician on the Apollo rockets will finally placate people who think the moon landings were a hoax.

10/29

1. A woman in Philadelphia has been arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. “Hey,” she said, “it can be the City of Sisterly Love too.” And she’s married. What makes me think this was his idea? A local radio station then gave her free tickets (true) – after a VIP tour of the station.

2. A man in Somalia who says that he’s 112 years old has just gotten married to a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.

3. The government of Kenya is going to conduct a census of its gay population. However, this effort might be hampered by the fact that in Kanya, being homosexual is AGAINST THE LAW. After this, the government wants to do a census of car thieves.

4. Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a gamma ray burst from a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.

5. Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will flood into stores, stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”

10/28

1. French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – which he never even used. Jesus, how much of a hint do you need to give a guy to freshen up a little? This explains why the White House officially classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.

2. Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that went towards finding someone to write it.

3. A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.” This is like Scientology buying Skeptic Magazine.

4. Andre Agassi has admitted that he used crystal meth over a decade ago. Some analysts think this will “severely tarnish” his reputation in ’09. By which I mean 1909. When the meth came up on a drug test, Agassi blamed his assistant, since his name was (true): Slim.

5. Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.

10/27

1. Two men from Chicago have been arrested in Denmark for plotting terrorist attacks. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about the IOC in Denmark awarding the Olympics to Rio.

2. The Church of Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government currently sees Scientology as a con job masquerading as a place of deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.

3. Facebook announced it will stop automatically sending status updates for dead members, like “Zack has just reached Stage 3 decomposition!” or “Suggest Zack as a friend to Flesh Eating Fungus!”

4. Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar in Texas yesterday. “Look how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence!” He’s also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions in office. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”

5. President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.

10/26

1. Military scientists have developed a paint that can absorb and decontaminate chemical weapons. Man, I need to get some of that paint for my roommate’s bathroom.

2. After pressure from feminists, President Obama finally played golf with a woman today. How did he do against her? Yet another case of Obama maintaining “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

3. Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.

4. The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.

5. A new study says it’s a myth that women have different heart attack symptoms from men. The only real difference is they just don’t complain about them as much.

BEST OF THE WEEK

A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reviewer and has received more than 100 applications. However, the newspaper said anyone who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.

The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer ground control the entire time. Officials believe the crew fell asleep, but they insist they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.

A man in Virginia was arrested for being naked in his own kitchen, after being seen by a woman walking by with her 7-year-old son at 5:30 a.m. First, could I get them to arrest my roommate too? And second, how about arresting the woman for going around looking at naked guys with her kid? What do you expect to see at 5:30 a.m. if you’re staring into people’s houses? You’re lucky you weren’t looking in my window, because you might not want to eat fish anymore.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its 20 wealthiest people and having them all run for mayor.

There were widespread internet rumors last night that Kanye West died in a car accident, but it turned out to be a hoax. Which taught me a lesson – until it’s confirmed, don’t order the cake and party hats.

Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.

Researchers have now filmed eagles hunting reindeer in Finland. They feel this might finally solve the mystery of why eagles never get presents from Santa.

Coca Cola saw profits rise, thanks to increasing sales in Third World countries. Said a Coke spokesperson: “These people still have such low rates of diabetes – there’s so much room to grow!”

A new poll shows that most Americans think that Iran wants nuclear weapons. However most Americans also can’t find Iran on a map. Which means that Iran’s pretty safe if it fires nuclear missiles at us, because we won’t know where to aim when firing back.

Brazil has vowed to crack down on drug gangs in Rio de Janeiro before the 2016 Olympics. There were some protests, however, because this means the athletes will have to bring all their own drugs.

A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.

An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.

Microsoft stock soared today, and a spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.

The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. Wall Street said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?

The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.

An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.

Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.

Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.

According to the local sheriff, the Balloon Boy family was putting on a hoax. But I think the sheriff is part of the hoax and this whole thing is a reality TV series. That “sheriff” is obviously sitcom veteran Howard Hesseman:

10/24

1. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $110 to $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its twenty wealthiest businessmen and having them all run for mayor.

2. Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.

3. Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.

4. The White House declared swine flu to be an emergency of the same type that gets declared for hurricanes. Hurricane-level may seem like overkill, but you’ve never seen Michelle Obama sneeze.

5. The mother of the Balloon Boy has admitted that it was a hoax. The plan was to make the family more marketable to reality TV shows. They just didn’t know it would only be for the kids. Twenty years from now. When the tell-all memoirs begin trickling out.

10/23

1. A man in Virginia was arrested for being naked in his own kitchen, after being seen by a woman walking by with her 7-year-old son at 5:30 a.m. How about arresting the woman for going around looking at naked guys with her kid? What do you expect to see at 5:30 a.m. if you’re staring into people’s houses? You’re lucky you weren’t looking in my window, because you might not want to eat fish anymore.

2. The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer when flight control radioed them. Officials believe that the crew fell asleep, but they insist that they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.

3. A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.

4. An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.

5. Microsoft stock soared on news of higher profits than expected. A spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.

10/22

1. A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reporter and has received more than 100 applications. Unfortunately, the newspaper said anybody who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.

2. The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. The firms said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?

3. A new study found that the fossil known as Ida is not a missing link for humans. Although the fossil shares many traits with monkeys and apes, this is merely an example of “convergent evolution”. Similar to how rainbows have been adopted by Jesse Jackson, gay rights activists, and leprechauns.

4. The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.

5. An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.

10/21

1. There were widespread internet rumors last night that Kanye West died in a car accident, but it turned out to be a hoax. Which taught me a lesson – until it’s confirmed, don’t order the cake and party hats.

2. Production of the movie “Indian Summer” had to be cancelled, because the Indian government wanted less love story. Since when did the Indian government care about too much love story for movies set in India? That’s like the German government demanding a movie to have less S&M.

3. Media coverage continues heating up in the Balloon Boy case, which is now believed to be a hoax. Well, the dad wanted to be a reality TV star, and now he’s starring in the old-school version of reality TV: “news”. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid, you can’t edit, and it never ever goes on vacation.

4. Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.

5. Microsoft’s launch of the new Windows 7 operating system will include a TV show developed with Seth MacFarlane, who created “Family Guy”. If MacFarlane’s previous work is any guide, we’re probably going to see Steve Jobs’s corpse going through seven windows.