1. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $110 to $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its twenty wealthiest businessmen and having them all run for mayor.
2. Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.
3. Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.
4. The White House declared swine flu to be an emergency of the same type that gets declared for hurricanes. Hurricane-level may seem like overkill, but you’ve never seen Michelle Obama sneeze.
5. The mother of the Balloon Boy has admitted that it was a hoax. The plan was to make the family more marketable to reality TV shows. They just didn’t know it would only be for the kids. Twenty years from now. When the tell-all memoirs begin trickling out.
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