1. Lindsay Lohan had her probation extended by one year for missing her alcohol education classes. However, she claimed she wasn’t missing the alcohol education classes -- she was just going on a lot of field trips.
2. A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to get their tongues pierced, it’s already too late.
3. The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.
4. To call attention to climate change, the Cabinet of the Maldives held an underwater meeting in the ocean. However, they had to end the meeting early because of a protests by the opposition, also known as “sharks”.
5. A Catholic priest in Wisconsin has auctioned off his family’s silverware to raise money for the homeless. The Vatican immediately excommunicated him for making it look bad.
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