1. President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize today, because even though he hasn’t achieved much actual peace yet, the selection committee said he inspires peace. Yes, but so does marijuana. Obama must feel like Beyonce when Kanye West got on stage. “Woah, thanks, but this is making me very uncomfortable because you shouldn’t have done that. Really, you really shouldn’t have done that.”
2. Some scientists have found a retrovirus linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is the illness that causes dorky civilian guys to wear military fatigues in public.
3. Elizabeth Taylor’s heart surgery went fine. She told her fans that the surgery was to fix her “leaky valve”, which prompted many to think she was finally taking care of that little “gift” from Richard Burton many years ago.
4. Marge Simpson is on the cover of the next issue of Playboy, earning the magazine a nomination for the Nobel Prize in Creepiology. Why don’t you just but Barbara Bush on there? Playboy hasn’t had anyone who looks like Marge on the cover since its controversial Jaundice Issue.
5. Microsoft and Google are putting together deals to search Twitter for information. So if you ever wanted to know how many people made jelly sandwiches in 2009…
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