1. Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that one when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.
2. David Letterman has become embroiled in a sex scandal, continuing his quest to provide hard dilemmas for aspiring late-night joke writers.
3. Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to earn $1 billion. So now during the PGA’s pro/am tournaments, where pro golfers play a round with wealthy contributors, Woods just plays by himself.
4. The “Wizard of Oz” is being released in a digitally remastered version that was long demanded by LSD users around the world. Actually, it would have come out sooner, but after denying J.K. Rowling the Medal of Freedom, the Bush administration tried to stop the “Wizard of Oz” for also promoting witchcraft.
5. Europe’s Herschel telescope has used two telescopic cameras to take the most detailed photos ever of our galaxy. It’s supposed to have three cameras, but the third one, run by the Dutch (true), is currently down. Because in a country where both pot and hookers are legal, it’s not surprising that people aren’t focusing so much on their telescopes.
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