BEST OF THE WEEK

There's growing anger in Egypt about special devices that let women fake virginity on their wedding night. The devices apparently make the women’s vaginas appear to be one of the Jonas Brothers. Islamic scholars are mixed about whether continuing to have sex would make the husband gay.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he starts every day “assuming that people don’t appreciate how fundamental the internet is.” Then, over breakfast, he lets at least a thousand strangers know that, thanks to the internet, he has their social security numbers.

Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.

Lady Gaga says she will now be going on a concert tour without Kanye West. Mainly because the strip clubs wouldn’t let him on stage. However, Kanye has announced that he's going on her tour anyway.

Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.

A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.

Rio de Janeiro was chosen to be the site of the 2016 Olympics instead of Chicago. Analysts say the deciding factors were videos from local residents of Chicago and Rio.

The entertainment lineup for the Nobel Prize ceremony has been announced! It features Wyclef Jean, Toby Keith, Donna Summer, and many more musicians that the Nobel Prize winners won’t recognize.

Sacha Cohen’s last movie “Bruno” has been banned in Malaysia, so absolutely zero theaters will be allowed to show it. Which means slightly fewer people might see it in theaters there than in the U.S.

Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because the gas pedals might stick. So far, there have been a strangely high number of gas pedals getting stuck while people drive towards their bosses.

An infielder for the Texas Rangers baseball team, Omar Vizguel, plans to learn bullfighting during the offseason. If I was a base runner, that would worry me. “Looks like Johnson is trying to stretch that single into a double! Ohhhh, Vizguel stabbed him in the shoulders with a sword. That’s gotta hurt. But at least Johnson’s corpse will be donated to the poor.”

The woman that John Lennon insisted was the real inspiration for the song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” has died. Ironically, she died of an LSD overdose.

The 2009 Ig Nobel award for ridiculous research went to a bra that can double as a gas mask. Police think it might be the reason behind this year’s roughly 5000% increase in guys calling in false alarms about gas leaks.