Guy Laliberte, the billionaire circus owner, finally returned to Earth after 10 days in space. It was the Guinness record for longest hang time after being shot from a cannon.
Kanye West didn’t attend the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight, because his insurance company wouldn’t cover it. “Too much chance of him getting a beat-down.”
The movie “Where the Wild Things Are” is coming out next week. It’s based on a children’s book about my shower curtain.
Some scientists have found a retrovirus linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is the illness that causes dorky civilian guys to wear military fatigues in public.
Elizabeth Taylor’s heart surgery went fine. She told her fans that the surgery was to fix her “leaky valve”, which prompted many to think she was finally taking care of the little “gift” that Richard Burton gave her many years ago.
Marge Simpson is on the cover of the next issue of Playboy, since it’s the annual Jaundice Edition.
A new report says that one out of four people in the world is Muslim. So statistically speaking, there’s a 25% chance that Glenn Beck is Muslim.
Some scientists now say highly attractive female birds only pick highly attractive males. This is why female birds never costar on sitcoms.
AT&T was last in customer satisfaction among phone users in a recent survey. Although, to be fair, the survey was only among people over the age of 80, many of whom are unaware that other phone companies now exist. “I’ve been waiting for AT&T to replace my rotary phone since 1978!”
The founder of BET, Sheila Johnson, was attacked for mocking the stutter of a candidate for governor of Virginia. However, it was later learned that she was merely stuttering because of a horrible flashback to a typical night of programming on BET.
McDonald’s restaurants in Britain are serving Happy Meals that say there are nine planets, even though the International Astronomical Union says there are only eight. McDonald’s later clarified that the ninth massive planetary body was Bill Johnson, it’s 2009 Customer of the Year.
An annual report by the United Nations found Norway to be the best country in the world to live. Unless you’re a whale.
The new website of French First Lady Carla Bruni crashed on its first day from too many users. Apparently, the users mistakenly went to the website while searching for her nude photos.
President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize today, because even though he hasn’t achieved much actual peace yet, the selection committee said he inspires peace. Yes, but so does marijuana. Now Obama knows how Beyonce felt when Kanye West got on stage. “Woah, thank you so much, but you shouldn’t have done that. Really, I’m serious, you really shouldn’t have done that. But thank you.”
Did you hear that the Phillies baseball team strong-armed a 12-year-old girl to give them a historic home-run baseball? Apparently, the Phillie Phanatic threatened to give her ear the worst wet-willie in history.
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