1. Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I’m finally going to have www.igpayatinlay.com.
2. Wal Mart is now selling coffins. The coffins are going to be made in China, but that’s okay, because if you’re dead, it doesn’t matter what they're contaminated with.
3. The world’s largest ever cruise liner is setting sail. There have been problems, however, because the ship is altering weather patterns from the reflective power of so much pale skin in such concentration.
4. The new Michael Jackson documentary will be released in an IMAX version, so parents can finally discover what had previously only been experienced by children.
5. One of Hitler’s closest aides has died, and some people say his memoirs might provide conclusive evidence that Hitler was in charge of the Holocaust. Yeah, this will finally placate the Holocaust deniers, just like the soon-to-be-released memoirs of an assistant electrician on the Apollo rockets will finally placate people who think the moon landings were a hoax.
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