10/6

1. AT&T was last in customer satisfaction among phone users in a recent survey. Although, to be fair, the survey was only among people over the age of 80, many of whom are unaware that other phone companies now exist. “I’ve been waiting for AT&T to replace my rotary phone since 1978!”

2. Some scientists have announced the development of a cocaine vaccine. Man, you thought there was a backlash against vaccines now. I hear they’re also developing a vaccine against sugar. Is cocaine spreading like a virus? Are we going to have to quarantine the Grammys?

3. The Dalai Lama urged the United States to take care of its divide between rich and poor. Many of his Hollywood followers agreed. “The gap between rich and poor needs to be wider,” said Richard Gere. “Otherwise any American will be able to jet off to Tibet, and I’ll have to find some other hip exotic religion.”

4. This year, Australians going to that country’s biggest auto race will only be allowed 24 cans of beer. And those are just the drivers.

5. Instead of prison, the government wants to keep non-violent illegal immigrants in low-cost hotels because it’s much cheaper. “Besides,” said President Obama, “it will save on gas, since we’ll be keeping them where they’re working.”