BEST OF THE WEEK

Filippa Hamilton, a size 4 model, says she was fired by Ralph Lauren for being too fat. Apparently, the company knew there might be a problem when Hamilton stopped vomiting after meals.

Today, the White House declared Fox News to be an arm of the Republican Party. Fox News strongly disagreed, pointing out that the Republican Party is now actually an arm of Fox News.

There’s some controversy about John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain posing in racy pajamas for her Twitter followers. She claims this was just what she was wearing around the house. You know, I take showers naked at home, but I don’t post pictures on this blog. Although in my case, that would seriously decrease traffic.

Lindsay Lohan had her probation extended by one year for missing her alcohol education classes. However, she claimed she wasn’t missing the alcohol education classes -- she was just going on a lot of field trips.

A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to pierce their tongues, it’s already too late.

A new study says that looking at images of nature can make people less stressed. Yes, because images don’t have mosquitoes, bears, mud, and snakes. A similar study found that people who live in nature get relaxed by looking at images of clean, safe, bug-free offices.

The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.

The cable network TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for appearing on other TV networks. Said a spokesperson: “By law, TLC is the only network allowed to exploit this family’s terrible situation.”

A survey of Russians found only a bare majority believe their country needs democracy. But I think they should try it first.

There will be zero cost-of-living increase for Social Security this year. The Cost Of Living Adjustment is normally called COLA, but this year, it will be known as the Deflationary Income and Economic Trouble Cost Of Living Adjustment, or DIET COLA.

Math scores among fourth graders showed no improvement last year. However, during the recent healthcare debate, they’ve scored far better than most senators.

The FBI is using face-recognition software to analyze driver’s license photos for fugitives, which explains why the FBI interviewed me three times this year about serial killings.

A 6-year-old Cub Scout in Delaware was ordered to reform school after bringing his Swiss Army knife to class. However, if I understand correctly, at reform school, kids wear uniforms, do a lot of outdoor exercise, and learn team-building skills – which pretty much sounds like the Cub Scouts.

More and more airports are using scanners that can view people’s bodies under their clothes. Airports say the images are “not pornographic”. Oh please. Salt shakers and fan belts can be pornographic. If you’re seeing a naked body – it can be pornographic. Especially if the scanners are installed in Germany.

Scientists have now discovered a rare vegetarian spider. Teenage female flies around the world are already swooning over the spider’s love affair with one of their own, their story told in the book “Fly-light”.

Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams football team. He’s also judging the Miss America pageant this year. So he’s going to choose the men with the football team, and the women with the pageant. I think we’re seeing the beginning of his attempt to build a master race.