1. Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to be more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.
2. A self-employed logger is in the final of the World Series of Poker. He developed his amazing poker face while chainsawing through environmentalists who had tied themselves to trees.
3. In honor of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I will tear down the wall between my two bedrooms. It might be expensive to reunify the two color systems, but I think history will judge me right.
4. A new study says women with very dense breasts have a higher risk of breast cancer. Which explains why so many women in Hollywood give money to breast cancer research. It’s also a warning to never get implants made of diamonds
5. Scientists have been able to regrow penises on rabbits. So now, finally, they can breed like… themselves. Has there ever been a rabbit shortage? Although, that would be difficult, hanging out alone with thousands of nieces and nephews.
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