French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – and he never even used it. Jesus, how much of a hint do you need to give a guy to freshen up a little? This explains why the White House officially classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.
Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that was for finding someone to write it.
A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.”
Two men from Chicago have been arrested for plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about them awarding the Olympics to Rio.
Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I can finally get www.igpayatinlay.com.
A man in Somalia who says he’s 112 years old has just married a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.
The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.
Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.
Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government views Scientology as a con job masquerading as deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.
Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar yesterday, because what better proof of how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence? Bush is also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions as president. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”
President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.
Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.
Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.
Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”
Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that people exist who don’t get enough of him already.
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