BEST OF THE WEEK

A French company called off plans to hand out free cash, because too many people came. Yeah, who could have predicted that? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs -- too many people came.

At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $67 million for a work called “67 Million One Dollar Bills”.

Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to act more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.

A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.

A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”

In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. But if I was a customer, I’d be more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.

In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”

A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.

The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? And Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to improved security, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!

In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which in Spanish can mean “extremely hard”.

An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who’d never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”

Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.

A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.

Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.

The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.

Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction, including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit on the back of the head with a baseball while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.