1. The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? I also hear that Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to new security measures, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!
2. In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which can mean “extremely hard”. Yes, extremely.
3. It’s been discovered that in 1982, China gave Pakistan uranium and bomb plans as a gift, which might seem odd, but it’s very hard to buy for Pakistan. They’re picky like my Aunt Betty. I’ve thought of giving her uranium too, but cyanide was so much more effective.
4. Greg Craig, President Obama’s top lawyer, is going to resign. Craig left under pressure to drive people with two first names out of the White House. Plus, Obama calling one of his staff “Mr. Craig” was just too controversial. Craig’s position is known as “White House counsel”, or as Glenn Beck refers to him, the “counsel czar”. Beck also announced that ten new “cleaning czars” were just hired by the White House’s Housekeeping Dept.
5. Canadian rumors about the death of Margaret Thatcher began when a senior politician sent a text message about his cat Thatcher dying. The most confusing part was how he followed up that the former prime minister would be buried in a large shoebox. Nike and Adidas both began fighting to have it be one of theirs.
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