BEST OF THE WEEK

1. Australian men are mourning the death of the oldest sheep in the world, their first and only GGGGGGGGGILF.

2. Blocked toilets have become a major problem for Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific. The airline said since the average weight of Chinese people is rising, they would have to be hidden in new places for trafficking.

3. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...

Swiss Opinions of Nazis:

Re: Taking over the world -- “Sorry, it wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
Re: Religious tolerance -- “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”

However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.

4. Many analysts predict Wall Street CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.

5. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.

6. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says political thugs ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Panties? I think the term isn’t “political thugs” -- it’s “stalkers”. And I should know.

7. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.

8. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.

9. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked weatherman Al Roker this morning: “How did you find the time to write a mystery novel?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because Roker didn’t actually write the book -- Dick Lochte did. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.

10. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.

11. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.

12. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.