BEST OF THE WEEK

Maine voters rejected gay marriage last night, reaffirming that in Maine, the only natural union is between a man and a woman or moose.

The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had worried about whether they were compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.

A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”

Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.

Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.

A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. Which means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.

The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? Loser.

A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.

Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. Then he said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.

The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.

Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.

In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.

In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.

A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.

Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird wants to move to a “new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.

Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different body parts vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Which explains why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.

A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.

New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.