BEST OF THE WEEK

Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than even Paris. However, only three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.

Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)

Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.

The fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said it was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.

The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are why many people end up needing to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.

General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.

Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.

In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.

After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.

At the rural University of California at Davis, police arrested several student protesters who refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the protesters were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.

Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.

California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.

A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So the women are still miserable – but they want to have sex. Sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. But these doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”

Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.

President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.

Swarms of giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem. I think the answer is to have the jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate them within just a few years.

A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.