12/11

1. The NBC show Dateline is going to have a “special report” called “The Secret Life of Tiger Woods”. I don’t know if they’ve been paying attention, but there’s not much secret anymore. What else do they have? Was he involved in the Kennedy Assassination? And now a Las Vegas madam says Woods paid for sex with her escorts, giving new meaning to the golf phrase “a hundred bucks a hole”.

2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.

3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.

4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.

5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”