BEST OF THE WEEK

Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.

The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.

Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.

A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.

In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.

A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.

There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.

Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.

There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”

Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.

The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.

Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.

AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.

Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”

A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.